Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Why I Was Depressed for 30 Years

Depression is hate turned on the self.

There are two types of depression, exogenous and endogenous. Exogenous depression occurs in reaction to outside events and is closely relating to grieving. Endogenous depression is a result of improperly functioning biochemistry and appears to genetically linked with compulsive eating and/or alcohol and drug addiction. In fact,these may all be different expressions of the same or similar biochemical disorders.

I probably can claim to have been under the influence of both types. By the time I was 35, I was fully aware of where my sadness came from. Some of it is inherent to my personality. I can be melancholy. When my depression lifted, it was like a brand new world. I gave up my old way of hiding behind "being real," when I was actually being cynical. I made the choice to see the positive in as many situations as I possibly could.

It took a while to shift this thinking. I want to say at least five years went by before I realized I was not depressed at all for any length of time. Today, I give myself three days to feel bad, then I'm on to finding a way to make lemonade out of whatever lemons I feel I have been handed.

Depression is awful because it usually hurts the person who is depressed more than anyone else. So many depressed think they are being smart because they see things how they really are, but what makes them depressed is they are unwilling to accept the truth.

Me being a truth seeker helped lift my depression because I want nothing more than to be honest with myself and others. Depression requires that you hold on fast to thoughts and beliefs that keep you spinning and spiraling downward. Depression keeps folk from feeling and living. Depression requires you stay away from most people because folk don't want to see your sad face, or hear your sad story.

I gave up depression for happiness, peace and serenity. Things don't have to go my way. I don't have to be right. I just want peace of mind. Seeing the God in others, making the best out of every situation whether deemed good or bad, right or wrong, that lifts depression. Holding to the knowledge that I was worthy not matter what I did or didn't do also helped me combat depression.

The feeling of unworthiness is the worse. It is hard to breathe when you feel unworthy, let along go about your normal day. I gave depression the boot and now I've got happy feet.

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