As tortured and as painful as my marriage has been, staying has made me zealous believer in the beauty of marriage. It has been six months since my husband has messed up any money. I couldn't hold back; I asked, "What has changed, you don't go to the boat any more?"
"I don't have any money," he replied.
He has the same amount he always has. Something has changed in him, for the better. He readily admitted, "OH, I've thought about, now."
But he didn't go.
I'm still waiting on David.
Showing posts with label closeness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label closeness. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thursday, August 19, 2010
BCS-Basic Communication Skills-2
Perception Checking
A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?
Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.
A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?
Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Doing Good
I know I've written about how doing going does not always turn out good. When this happens in a marriage, it is even more devastating. Everyday I am faced with the fact I put forth effort and failed.
I did more than try to change I actually did and although the changes I have made will benefit me the rest of my life, it still does not take away the pain of knowing I will never have a husband in the man I married.
Today I said to him, "Well at least we have a lot of good memories." He said, "Yeah, I have a lot of them." We both put forth effort, it just isn't meant to be the type of marriage we had hoped. We are too different, not enough in common, and marginally compatible, but we managed to stay together for over 25 years. Ours is a true testament to the fact that people can learn to get along with each other successfully, no matter how different they are.
Still, having to change the way I view our relationship is sad to me. I can no longer lean on hope to get me through these last years. I have to face the reality each day that my husband has not grown enough, is not secure enough to be the man he could be if he only had worked harder.
One of the key life lessons I needed to learn was compassion. I learned, but it didn't help the marriage. Doing good does not always turn out good.
I did more than try to change I actually did and although the changes I have made will benefit me the rest of my life, it still does not take away the pain of knowing I will never have a husband in the man I married.
Today I said to him, "Well at least we have a lot of good memories." He said, "Yeah, I have a lot of them." We both put forth effort, it just isn't meant to be the type of marriage we had hoped. We are too different, not enough in common, and marginally compatible, but we managed to stay together for over 25 years. Ours is a true testament to the fact that people can learn to get along with each other successfully, no matter how different they are.
Still, having to change the way I view our relationship is sad to me. I can no longer lean on hope to get me through these last years. I have to face the reality each day that my husband has not grown enough, is not secure enough to be the man he could be if he only had worked harder.
One of the key life lessons I needed to learn was compassion. I learned, but it didn't help the marriage. Doing good does not always turn out good.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Ain't No Body!
I'm putting it down this morning. Let me say this, even if I were to get a divorce, it wouldn't be in hopes of finding a man who treats me differently than my husband does. At this point in our relationship, my husband's problems with me completely have to do with how he feels about himself. Because, after over 25 years of what he has brought to the relationship has made me stronger, he has foiled. He thought who he was would cause me to be other than who I am. He only thought this because he doesn't recognize me for who I am. I only exist to him in relation to what he needs.
I know, this sounds so awful. But I will press you, (and I won't have to do it too hard), to look at the relationships in your life and tell me how many are equal, balanced, where everyone is giving exactly what they are giving. Please send all list to wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com.
Anyway, men need to get off it. They are just as bad as we are when it comes down to letting the other be who they are. Next to coming to an understanding and agreeable, recognizing genders specific traits is paramount to being able to have a smooth functioning relationship.
Things get rough when we try to understand the opposite sex from our perspective. Men are men and they do male things. There are things that only relate to the male species. A woman will not know what it means to be a man, nor can he know what it fundamentally means to be a woman.
What we can do is respect the differences enough to live with the opposite sex.
One of my husbands biggest problems with me is that we can start at A and end up at Z in less than a minute. It all depends on the subject. Most men, on their best day, can't do this, most do not even desire to try, but they grow to resent the women's ability to do it. Any man who has a woman whose mind is as flexible as mine, has made the same complaint, "We will be talking about one thing, then before I know it we're over here. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything?"
To that I say, don't get mad at us because your mind functions best for you in the concrete. The technical term for a women's ability to connect the relavance of subjects, thoughts, possibilities, etc, is absrtact thinking.
Before I say anything else, I will say right off the bat, this ability can be the down fall of women who are not in control of their emotions. That is another blog.
Women use more of their brain than men do when we think about a subject. We're able to rapidly make connections and verbally express them. Sometimes it seems it is happening simultaneously. Some men, and this is not to be mean, like to keep it simple. Then they should choose a simple minded women. Don't reach for the top shelf woman, then fumble with her as you yank her down from the pedastal you've put her on.
I will say I have found a good balance. I have chosen silence to remedy fr actioning his already bruised male ego even more. He reads my silence as distance, when in all actuality I am sparing him the obvious discomfort he feels when he has to "think too much to talk to me."
Why are women attracted to Obama? It is because they know Michelle. We already know she is fluid in thought and words, and he's hanging. He chose a sister from the Southside of Chicago.
We, men and women, have to approach each other as if we were archaeologist. We must allow ourselves to allow our spouse to pick at our bones, down to our souls to really find that which will hold us together. When we allow simple gender specific traits to keep us from getting close to each other, we are either very ignorant, or very selfish. It makes no sense. It is not a legitimate excuse to leave a woman for being female. As her man, if she is flying away in thought, and you aren't ready to leave the ground, that might be a good time to say, "Dear, I really want to understand what you are saying, at this time I'm not making the connection."
If you love her, you will give her that. If it is her just talking to be talking, she'll probably say isn't that important and shut up. At the least you have shown her you were listening. At the most, you just may have to spend a few minutes letting her get it out. But what is wrong with that? If this is the person you want to be with, then you should want them to come to you and be who they are. Think about it.
Anyway, ain't nobody in Louisville ready to take me on. My dreams are huge. My thoughts are rapidly and fluid. I feel the energy of the times. God has revealed so many opportunities. No matter what has gone on in my personal relationships, I have been able to maintain to a great degree. For years I battled with food, but once I woke up and made some better choices I found I could maintain my weight and have done so for over five years now.
I have never compromised my dreams and goals. I never would. I've done a lot of alterations to my personality to stay married. I like how staying married keeps me true to the person I vowed to be. Again, I really wish I could say my staying married had a lot to do with my husband. I do believe God has released me from the marriage to the man I live with, but I have not released me from the vows I took, and as long as I believe I should do what I do, God is with me, no matter who else is, or is not for me.
So, if you don't like that I can think about 95 things and tell you 80 of them in less than 15 minutes, don't talk to me.
I know, this sounds so awful. But I will press you, (and I won't have to do it too hard), to look at the relationships in your life and tell me how many are equal, balanced, where everyone is giving exactly what they are giving. Please send all list to wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com.
Anyway, men need to get off it. They are just as bad as we are when it comes down to letting the other be who they are. Next to coming to an understanding and agreeable, recognizing genders specific traits is paramount to being able to have a smooth functioning relationship.
Things get rough when we try to understand the opposite sex from our perspective. Men are men and they do male things. There are things that only relate to the male species. A woman will not know what it means to be a man, nor can he know what it fundamentally means to be a woman.
What we can do is respect the differences enough to live with the opposite sex.
One of my husbands biggest problems with me is that we can start at A and end up at Z in less than a minute. It all depends on the subject. Most men, on their best day, can't do this, most do not even desire to try, but they grow to resent the women's ability to do it. Any man who has a woman whose mind is as flexible as mine, has made the same complaint, "We will be talking about one thing, then before I know it we're over here. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything?"
To that I say, don't get mad at us because your mind functions best for you in the concrete. The technical term for a women's ability to connect the relavance of subjects, thoughts, possibilities, etc, is absrtact thinking.
Before I say anything else, I will say right off the bat, this ability can be the down fall of women who are not in control of their emotions. That is another blog.
Women use more of their brain than men do when we think about a subject. We're able to rapidly make connections and verbally express them. Sometimes it seems it is happening simultaneously. Some men, and this is not to be mean, like to keep it simple. Then they should choose a simple minded women. Don't reach for the top shelf woman, then fumble with her as you yank her down from the pedastal you've put her on.
I will say I have found a good balance. I have chosen silence to remedy fr actioning his already bruised male ego even more. He reads my silence as distance, when in all actuality I am sparing him the obvious discomfort he feels when he has to "think too much to talk to me."
Why are women attracted to Obama? It is because they know Michelle. We already know she is fluid in thought and words, and he's hanging. He chose a sister from the Southside of Chicago.
We, men and women, have to approach each other as if we were archaeologist. We must allow ourselves to allow our spouse to pick at our bones, down to our souls to really find that which will hold us together. When we allow simple gender specific traits to keep us from getting close to each other, we are either very ignorant, or very selfish. It makes no sense. It is not a legitimate excuse to leave a woman for being female. As her man, if she is flying away in thought, and you aren't ready to leave the ground, that might be a good time to say, "Dear, I really want to understand what you are saying, at this time I'm not making the connection."
If you love her, you will give her that. If it is her just talking to be talking, she'll probably say isn't that important and shut up. At the least you have shown her you were listening. At the most, you just may have to spend a few minutes letting her get it out. But what is wrong with that? If this is the person you want to be with, then you should want them to come to you and be who they are. Think about it.
Anyway, ain't nobody in Louisville ready to take me on. My dreams are huge. My thoughts are rapidly and fluid. I feel the energy of the times. God has revealed so many opportunities. No matter what has gone on in my personal relationships, I have been able to maintain to a great degree. For years I battled with food, but once I woke up and made some better choices I found I could maintain my weight and have done so for over five years now.
I have never compromised my dreams and goals. I never would. I've done a lot of alterations to my personality to stay married. I like how staying married keeps me true to the person I vowed to be. Again, I really wish I could say my staying married had a lot to do with my husband. I do believe God has released me from the marriage to the man I live with, but I have not released me from the vows I took, and as long as I believe I should do what I do, God is with me, no matter who else is, or is not for me.
So, if you don't like that I can think about 95 things and tell you 80 of them in less than 15 minutes, don't talk to me.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I Needed That
A friend told me something that kept me up all night. At 5 a.m., no longer able to stand the rumblings of my soul, I called the same friend who was receptive and willing to let me flesh out what I believe to be God's will for me.
It is time for me to find out who is just with me, and not for me. It doesn't mean I am going to dump people. I think all these people will fall off by themselves. They won't be able to make the climb up the mountain, they will fall off.
There have been so many throughout the years. Some people I really felt close to. I really felt, at the time, they were going to be in my life forever. I learned my lesson the hard way about saying forever, always, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I learned we truly only get one day at a time and that is all we are mandated to deal with. We don't have to solve all of life's problems, if we can just make it through this day and not carry it with us to the next.
When you get stuck on stupid, stand in your own way, you keep out what our Creator has to offer you. I am open. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I think I'm getting closer to my peak.
It is time for me to find out who is just with me, and not for me. It doesn't mean I am going to dump people. I think all these people will fall off by themselves. They won't be able to make the climb up the mountain, they will fall off.
There have been so many throughout the years. Some people I really felt close to. I really felt, at the time, they were going to be in my life forever. I learned my lesson the hard way about saying forever, always, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I learned we truly only get one day at a time and that is all we are mandated to deal with. We don't have to solve all of life's problems, if we can just make it through this day and not carry it with us to the next.
When you get stuck on stupid, stand in your own way, you keep out what our Creator has to offer you. I am open. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I think I'm getting closer to my peak.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Believe
It is amazing how you can meet someone who reminds you of yourself. This has happened to me and I am compelled to try to help this person, because she is much younger than I and already has made so many bad choices.
To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.
I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.
I want to believe I can help her.
To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.
I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.
I want to believe I can help her.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What if?
Today I remembered something I had forgot. I remembered one day back in 1993, I needed to make a copy of my marriage licence. As I was leaving the copier, I was reading it. When I got down to the bottom, I saw the judge had put 1988, instead of 1989, which was the actual year we were married.
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Clarification
I feel the need to clarify some of my terms. Below is the definition of marriage and its derivatives. Part of the problem in many cases where an argument ensues, is people are using the same words, but meaning different things.
Look at how simple the definition for marriage is, then think about what you think about when you hear the word. Be honest, it was probably not positive, especially if you are married. We expect everything from marriage, when at the most, all we should expect is to have a close union with our spouse, we should be marriageable, and able to agree on the terms of the marriage which are laid out in the vows.
I used the word God in the title of my series of books, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, because even in what is termed "legal ceremonies," God is mentioned, especially in America. Throughout the world, most marriage vows include some form of recognition of something greater than the legal aspect of the union through prayer, song, ritual, etc.
Yet, when the marriage seems to be failing, we tend to lean on our own understanding, or that of family and friends, and never quite seek the quiet it takes to get in tune with our Higher Power. Our marriages fail many times because we cannot learn to agree to disagree. We feel because we are married to a person they should be like us, or know what we want, or be everything to us. Read the definition again, and show me where you see any of those things listed.
You can't and you won't. Marriage gives us the opportunity to be better than we could, or would be alone. Marriage offers us the opportunity to learn to communicate, even if it is with only one person. Wouldn't you want that person to be the one you are married to?
Mar*riage - 1a. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. b. Wedlock. 2. A wedding. 3. A close union.
Marriageable - Suitable for marriage, of marrying age. Marriablity, marriageableness.
Marry - 1. To join as spouses by exchanging vows. 2. To combine or blend agreeably.
Look at how simple the definition for marriage is, then think about what you think about when you hear the word. Be honest, it was probably not positive, especially if you are married. We expect everything from marriage, when at the most, all we should expect is to have a close union with our spouse, we should be marriageable, and able to agree on the terms of the marriage which are laid out in the vows.
I used the word God in the title of my series of books, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, because even in what is termed "legal ceremonies," God is mentioned, especially in America. Throughout the world, most marriage vows include some form of recognition of something greater than the legal aspect of the union through prayer, song, ritual, etc.
Yet, when the marriage seems to be failing, we tend to lean on our own understanding, or that of family and friends, and never quite seek the quiet it takes to get in tune with our Higher Power. Our marriages fail many times because we cannot learn to agree to disagree. We feel because we are married to a person they should be like us, or know what we want, or be everything to us. Read the definition again, and show me where you see any of those things listed.
You can't and you won't. Marriage gives us the opportunity to be better than we could, or would be alone. Marriage offers us the opportunity to learn to communicate, even if it is with only one person. Wouldn't you want that person to be the one you are married to?
Mar*riage - 1a. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. b. Wedlock. 2. A wedding. 3. A close union.
Marriageable - Suitable for marriage, of marrying age. Marriablity, marriageableness.
Marry - 1. To join as spouses by exchanging vows. 2. To combine or blend agreeably.
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