How The Man I Married Will Leave With Less Than He Did When He Came

I am devastated! The man I married was told due to not responding quickly enough to an infection in his upper hip, he will have to have his thigh and leg removed on his right side.

He has not been paying attention to his health even more so since he's been away from the house. He really relied on me to keep an eye on things and he refuses to do it himself. Now, he will live this earth with less than he did when he came.

He may very well leave his eyesight, hearing and God knows what else, along with four toes and the leg and thigh. I cannot imagine how he feels, I really can't. I broke down and cried when I heard the news.

Diabetes and high blood pressure are nothing to play with. Unfortunately, he let things go for way too long. All I do is pray. There is nothing else I can do. Absolutely nothing!

Why It Keeps Getting Easier

My soul was in unrest for days last week. I cried and cried and cried. I analyzed my situation and determined I was finally mourning the loss of the marital relationship. Simply put, I missed the man I am married to.

Even though that was the case, I still feel I am right not to subject myself to his triads and disrespect. He is in denial still about his situation. When they found that blood is leaking from his brain, he began to try to rationalize why he is sick. Even though he knows he has never taken his health seriously. He truly thought he was invincible. Now he knows.

It keeps getting easier because I truly am handing all my worries and troubles over to God. I no longer have the desire to try to think about what is best for anyone except myself. I am praying my husband will come out of his surgery today better and ready to accept more responsibility for his actions and life.

Life gets easier when you let go and let God. Peace

What's Forever For?

Forever is for hope and that is about it. Nothing last forever, especially not people. My relationship with my husband will be forever. His health is not going to let him last much longer, so unless there is a true miracle, he will be married to me forever, but he won't be around to enjoy it.

We need to focus on now and leave forever to itself. I am so glad I participated in my marriage. I am grateful to God that I gave my all and was completely committed. Now that things seem to be coming to an end, I can only be grateful for the time I had with him and know that God has been in control all the time. Things are how they should be.

Forever is the same as never. Neither one of them can ever be true. We don't live to see forever. All we can do is hope for a long time. I got to have the man I wanted for a very long time, a quarter of my life spent on this earth. That means a lot to me. I will always love him and wish him these best whether here are on the other side. Forever is another word for hope.

Chronically Ill-16

My husband is now in ICU in Evanston, IL. His 93 old aunt on his father's side died last week and the funeral was this past Saturday. On Sunday, my daughter told me he called to say he was in the hospital.

Later that day, his sister called to tell me he was being moved to ICU, he was bleeding from his rectum, they were planning to removed from his stomach with a tube, his toe may be removed, and his blood pressure is extremely high.

I listened as she talked about how "defiant" he was being and was so glad I am no longer dealing with his shitty attitude. As much as I love and care for him, I refuse to allow him to abuse me in any form or shape, for as long as I live. I have dealt with all I'm dealing with at this point in my life. I am looking for relief, support, and respect. I am not interested in anything else. It is my time and I am taking full advantage of it. He wants to be upset and bitter. I worked all that out. I just done, plain and simple.

Now, his family will get a chance to see how nasty he really is. I will not call, or get involved in any way. I am done with him and his evil ways. Somebody else can take his abuse. I am free. I sincerely hope all goes well for him, but I will not allow myself to be drawn back into his madness. I am so happy being free.

Glad I Am Me

Because of the lack of authenticity amongst the masses, it is often a true surprise to find a person who is truly devoted. I am one of those people. When I give my devotion, that person, thing, job, etc., has it forever.

My husband needed me and I yielded to a higher calling and did what was right and righteous. I did what I vowed to do and took care of him. He was somewhat better, but still the asshole he is known to be.

Day after day, I sat and listened to him complain and misunderstand. I watched him struggle to remember things told to him only minutes before. I sat and watched as he vomited and struggled to turn in the bed, after his third procedure.

There was a great and comforting distance between us. I am on the other side. There is no bitterness, or even hurt feelings. I accept he will not be the man i need him to be, to be able to be the woman I am meant to be.

He was told his father has Dementia and pre-Alzheimer's Disease. his mother was returned to the hospital while he was in ICU. He also found out his brother is back in prison. All these things weighed heavily on him. i did my best to be a comfort to him.

I am glad I am me. I am glad I know my role in this life. I am to bring comfort to those who ask me for it. He is suffering. He has lost his family and is giving away his life to the nothingness he seeks out in life. I am so glad I am me.

Chronically Ill-15

My husband is experiencing blackout spells. He called to tell me. I listened. At this point, there is nothing I can do to comfort him. I ended the conversation by telling him to take care of himself. My son has been staying with him and helping him out, according to him. I hope this is a good thing.

My son didn't have much to do with him when he was home. He didn't help at all, as a matter of fact. Since the separation, he has been extremely caring towards his dad. I am glad for them both. They needed to reconcile and if it took us parting for it to happen, I am glad we are apart.

I do have sympathy for him. He just started going down three years ago and has not stopped. He looks old and frail. His skin is almost black. He really looks bad.

I spent the week with him when he was in ICU. They were scaring him and I knew he needed me, so I was there. I was so glad when that stay was over. I had not recognized the stress while I was enmeshed in it, but having been away from it for almost two months, I noticed the difference in how I feel immediately after I ceased having contact with him daily.

I wish him well.

Glory Be To God

Ultimately, my desire was to keep my family together, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it. Today, I found out my son will be taking my husband to the hospital to have surgery and that he is going to help him get to wherever he lives.

I was so happy and proud. I am still getting what I wanted, whether my family is together or not. I wanted my husband and son to rebuild their relationship and it looks like the separation is what was needed to make that happen.

God knows what is on my heart and because of that I am continuously blessed. He is getting the glory still and that is what is most important.

Even When It Is Right

Sometimes even when what you have to do is right, it still causes you hurt and pain. Although I know for sure, my husband and I being separated is really better for him, it hurts. I wasn't playing a game, or lying to myself and others when I said I loved my husband and was willing to live with and take care of him until death did us part.

Even though that is the right thing to do, trying to do it with the wrong person is extremely difficult. Difficult does not really explain how hard it was to love him. Yet, with the help of our Creator, I was able to. I was able to look at him at times and feel all bubbly inside and actually be thankful for him allowing me to accompany him on his journey.

He couldn't handle the sincerity, the honesty, the unconditional love. It seemed the more pleasant I was, the worse he got. The more I did for him, the less he was willing to accept it. It became more prevalent within the last few months. All of a sudden, he stopped asking for help. He would come and stand over me when he wanted something trying to get my attention. I began to ignore this behavior and even told him at times, "please use your words."

After a while, it began to get annoying, his refusal to ask for what he needed. I had to confront him about it. The look on his face told me I was right, he was deliberately trying to act like he didn't need me. Even when it is right, the thing your doing, it can go wrong.

All my love and care. All the time I spent working on my responses, thinking before I acted, was too much for him. He would mention the changes, but he refused to accept them. He couldn't allow himself to be loved.

He was shocked to discover I was not the woman he had portrayed me to be. He had denied the truth for so long, until he was believing his own warped thoughts. When it was completely revealed that I was not the mean, vindictive, spiteful bitch he always claimed, that made him even madder, because he couldn't realistically be the asshole he wanted to be.

He found away to unleash the asshole and now we are no more. Even when it is right, it can go so wrong.

Chronically Ill-12

We found out over the weekend that my husband has a tumor on his heart. Although it is not cancerous, it is lethal and will have to be removed.

For the first time, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And then there is a part of me that is very angry. When I think about how much I tried to get my husband to live a more healthy lifestyle, I just want to slap him.

To know that most of this could have been avoided had he simply exercised and changed his diet is almost too much to bear. Yet, I can't imagine not being there for him when he needs me. I lost my cool and yelled at him during this last episode. I felt embarrassed, but I also understood my own frustrations. He won't let people help him when he needs help the most.

When he is in the hospital he's always trying to do what the nurses should be doing. But when he is feeling fine, he'll ask you to do something for him in a heartbeat. He is so fake. His ego is the only thing that is keeping him alive. He wants to give up so bad he doesn't know what to do. I feel like I should let him. I'm not helping him and he's not helping himself.

Waiting to Exhale

I really watched the movie Waiting to Exhale yesterday. I kept referring back to how I related to it the first time I watched it. When I saw it the first time, I cheered on Bernie as she destroyed her husband's things and sold them for a $1. Now, I only see waste of emotion, time, energy, money. Today, I think she should have just been glad to know, dealt with her hurt and pain, and yes, I do believe she should have gotten what she deserved.

She did help him get to where he was and she deserved to be compensated for it. She didn't have the right to hurt him because he hurt her.

Gloria: I only related to how she related to food. I've never been the desperate, clingy type.

Whitney Houston's character didn't affect me much either. I didn't struggle with not having a man and I most definitely was not into married men. When she came to her senses, it made me feel good.

The other girl, pure foolishness. She meant it when she said she wanted everything, not knowing that translated into nothing, because she didn't know who she was.

Ironically, I related most to the Wesley Snipes character. When he described how he was watching his wife die, it really struck a cord, (as I listen to my husband vomit right now). His revelation that he loved his wife and that he would never leave her. All that sounded like something I'm living.

I get what other people see, but they don't know and what they don't know makes all the difference in the world. My husband will be loved until the day he dies. We are all here for him doing our best to make sure he knows that. My children are getting a great lesson in unconditional love. I know God's plan for me and I'm just waiting to exhale.

Chronically Ill-11

I lost my cool yesterday. I yelled at him because he continuously tried to do things for himself, when he could barely hold his head up. He kept getting up going towards the door and literally falling to the floor each time.

The last time I caught him by the arm and asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted water. "Why don't you ask for what you want. Why are you trying to do stuff for yourself when you can't." I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was furious, but I hadn't recognized it.

"Stop yelling at me," he yelled as long as he could before losing breath, then said, "Fuck you," in a muffled tone.

He just has to fight and I know that is the only thing that is keeping him alive. His natural inclination to go against everything. But he can fight all he wants, his kidneys are gone. He has thrown up for at least four days. He looks and feels so frail.

I've never heard him openly call on God for help as much. The suffering really must be great. He consistently refused to go to the hospital. When I yelled at him I told him, "I'm not a nurse. Go to the hospital. The nurses won't yell at you."

He can't see himself. He doesn't want to change, yet he needs people. He is completely vulnerable right now. I really feel sorry for him. I really do.

Chronically Ill-10

My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.

They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.

I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?

Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.

Chronic Illness-8

My husband is going back to the hospital tomorrow. He confronted me the other day and said we don't do anything anymore, but go to the hospital.

He's right, things have changed.

What we thought would be paradise because we have grown to understand and appreciate each other, has become a nightmare neither one of us could have ever expected.

I do my best, but I am only human.

Chronic Illness-8

My heart is light, but blue. I'm losing the love of my life, right before my eyes. It is so hard for me to deal with the throwing up. It grates me to the core. The sound of him heaving rattles my bones and nearly triggers me to gag. Just last year there were times when he would get sick that I secretly felt vindicated for some of the things he has done to our marriage and himself.

Seeming him so frail and needy plays with my mind. Although I do not harbor resentment when it comes to my husband. After reading the book the Peacemaker, I have learned how the way I live naturally, is described in scripture.

Ever since I learned the Ten Commandments, and understood them, I made up my mind if I followed the first commandment, I would not have to worry about the other nine. I have lived with the intentions of being a good person and to do my best to leave people better than I found them. I not only learned the name for how I live peacemaker, I learned the term for what I call denial, is peace faker, which is my husband.

With him being a peace faker and me being a peacemaker, it is no wonder once I stopped reacting and began responding as I knew God would want me; he has been able to trust me more. Peace fakers fear conflict and rarely want to engage. They will ignore, deny, overlook for as long as it keeps folk silent. Their ability to overlook makes it easier for them to forgive if they are matched with a peacemaker whose desire is to do what is best for all involved.

Before I began seeking God's will and acting accordingly, and not the way I saw my mother, and her mother act in their marriages; my husband could not trust I would not harm him with my tongue. I gave that up and since he has been ill, I have been able to temper my tongue. This is a great accomplishment.

Chronic Illness-7

When he takes his medication as prescribed, he cannot stand without assist, walk without a can, or sit without falling to sleep. I took him to the doctor yesterday and it was so sad to see how frustrated and embarrassed he was to have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair to be able to get around.

It is difficult, but I will say I do not feel any resentment or anger towards him. I really want him to live. I want him to have a chance to utilize some of the things he has learned. Even though he is not taking care of himself at the right level, he does listen to me more and allows me to give him suggestions. I didn't think we would reach this level of understanding.

He will have to have surgery again this Thursday because he has developed complications at the sight. I pains me to see him in so much pain. He has no idea how much I pray and cry for him. My sensitivity level has always been high, but with him it is truly like I feel every ache he does.

We were supposed to go out Derby night, but we ended up in the emergency room. I really wanted to party and I know he did too, but it would have been taking too much of a risk for him to get bumped on that arm considering anywhere we would have went would have packed. We stayed home. We both really like to go out and have a good time. His health has hindered that greatly.

Never Say Never-2

I vividly remember saying I would never be with someone who did not take care of themselves. I watched my father die from neglecting to take care of his body and now I am watching my husband do the same.

I cried today because I just couldn't take watching him being in so much pain. He has had the surgery and the wound is leaking heavily. He can barely release his arm from the bent position and now he has found out he may have to go back into surgery to relieve the pressure that is causing the leakage.

I was so hoping the surgery would go smoothly, especially since he is so upset about getting dialysis in the first place. He looks so tired and worn. My heart really goes out to him.

I have learned a very valuable lesson. Never say what you won't do. I'm living proof that you just never know what life will require of you.

Another Good Time

My husband has been taking his medication consistently for over a month now. I am very happy for him from the standpoint of his blood pressure being regulated, but what it does to him is awful. We went out yesterday to do some routine shopping. He got dizzy riding around in the cart. He literally couldn't keep his balance sitting up. I am sure anyone who witnessed us thought he was drunk. I stopped briefly to go into a store that does not have the riding carts. He refused to stay in the car. He couldn't leave the counter the entire time. He can't give up living his life, but he is having a hard time living his. On the way, we talked about why were with each other. He tried to make a joke out of it stating that I was with him because no one else was going to love me like he does or put up with me. I challenged his statements and let him know I know there are women out there that would take him as broke down as he is. They might not keep him, but they would still take him and find out later he ain't worth keeping. He then said to me, "I don't wish me on you." I said, "Really! Does that mean I can leave? I don't have to have the experience." He got silent. "Well, can I leave?" He gave me the "over my dead body look." We laughed. I am so interested to see how this thing is going to unfold. I want to know. I am involved in my life.

It Is Getting Worse

It is getting harder and harder to watch his life slowly leave him. The sparkle in his eye. His willingness to go out. His zest for life, all have been zapped away by kidney failure.

His mother is currently experiencing the exact same thing he is now. He wants to be there for her, but he's too weak to hold his head up most of the time.

What do I do? The best I can.

Chronic Illness-2

He has been taking his medication because he is sleeping better. I cannot imagine what it most feel like to be in his body. His blood pressure had been high for so long until he didn't feel normal when it was normal. He can barely function when his numbers are where they should be. He conditioned his body to deal with the high pressure and blood sugar levels.

Now, the diseases these elevated numbers cause have got a hold on him. Even though it is sad, one of the effects of his illness has been reflectiveness. He has become more aware and available. His attitude about life is still way off, but at least he is paying more attention.

The approach I have taken is very hard for me. I am a producer. But in this situation there is nothing I can do. I have truly learned to let go and let God. Because of this, I am happy. With all the chaos going on around me, the haters, the liars, the wanna be's, etc., I am untouched, because I have learned I am not in control of anything, or anyone outside of my body.

Waiting On David

As tortured and as painful as my marriage has been, staying has made me zealous believer in the beauty of marriage. It has been six months since my husband has messed up any money. I couldn't hold back; I asked, "What has changed, you don't go to the boat any more?"

"I don't have any money," he replied.

He has the same amount he always has. Something has changed in him, for the better. He readily admitted, "OH, I've thought about, now."

But he didn't go.

I'm still waiting on David.