I'm done with it. My whole marriage, that is. I'm done with thinking about it, wanting to talk about, or even feel about it.
I was asked, "do you feel like you've been scarred?"
"No, because I have accepted my role in the demise of the marriage. I spent the last seven years repenting and trying to redeem myself for the wrongs I have committed."
This is true. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I began to look at myself and deal with the problems I presented in the marriage. By doing so, I was able to take more responsibility for the fact it was ended, but I also became more compassionate towards my husband.
I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. I presented the idea to him and he agreed but he didn't really mean it. He has never forgiven me for anything I've done to him even though I have done all I could to right my wrongs.
Now that I am free and in one piece I'm done with all that drama. When I think of him and a negative thought pops in my head, I pray for him and ask God to keep him and guide him. I only think of the good memories, if I allow myself to think about him at all.
Tomorrow, August 1, 2011, begins a new era in my life. My marriage gave me the confidence to be the woman I want to be. I am risk taker, a lover of life, a child of God, and a giver of love. I am at peace and feel blessed to be alive and thankful for the opportunity to learn how to love the hard way.
No harm, no foul, I survived living and sleeping with the devil with a minor scratch. I'm good!
Showing posts with label peace harmony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace harmony. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Chronically Ill-10
My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.
They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.
I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?
Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.
They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.
I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?
Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
MARRIED BLISS
LAST NIGHT MY HUSBAND AND I LISTENED TO MUSIC AND DANCED AND ROMANCED. WE GOT PRETTY NOSTALGIC LISTENING TO SONGS FROM BACK IN THE DAY. EVEN THOUGH HIS ARM IS IN PAIN WE DANCED AND HE HELD ME LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG. WE PROFESSED OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER, AND HOW GLAD WE WERE TO HAVE EACH OTHER.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE DIDN'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT AND HOW GRATEFUL WE WERE TO BE AT THIS POINT.
He APOLOGIZED FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE THROUGHOUT MOST OF OUR MARRIAGE AND SAID, "YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. I WAS THINKING THE OTHER DAY, 'BOY, IF SHE WANTED TO GET BACK AT ME, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME."
"THAT AIN'T ME, DEAR," I SAID REASSURINGLY.
"I KNOW. I'M JUST SAYING YOU COULD AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT."
I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY. IF I WAS GOING TO BE ABUSIVE TO HIM, I'D LEAVE HIM. I KNOW I FEEL BLESSED TO BE ABLE TO BE APART OF HIS JOURNEY AND TO BE THE ONE WHO MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN HIS LIFE.
WE REALLY HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT. I'M SO GLAD WE DON'T HAVE TO GO OUT TO DANCE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. I SEE THINGS ONLY GETTING BETTER.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE DIDN'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT AND HOW GRATEFUL WE WERE TO BE AT THIS POINT.
He APOLOGIZED FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE THROUGHOUT MOST OF OUR MARRIAGE AND SAID, "YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. I WAS THINKING THE OTHER DAY, 'BOY, IF SHE WANTED TO GET BACK AT ME, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME."
"THAT AIN'T ME, DEAR," I SAID REASSURINGLY.
"I KNOW. I'M JUST SAYING YOU COULD AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT."
I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY. IF I WAS GOING TO BE ABUSIVE TO HIM, I'D LEAVE HIM. I KNOW I FEEL BLESSED TO BE ABLE TO BE APART OF HIS JOURNEY AND TO BE THE ONE WHO MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN HIS LIFE.
WE REALLY HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT. I'M SO GLAD WE DON'T HAVE TO GO OUT TO DANCE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. I SEE THINGS ONLY GETTING BETTER.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
It Really Can Get Better With Time
Things can get better with time because we can get better with time. The other day my husband and I were talking about how neither one of us have to true model for divorce in our families. His parents are the only couple on his side of the family to divorce, even though years later they got back together and are to this day.
On my side, I have an uncle who divorced and he too is back with his wife who he had been married to for 25 years. My husband immediately said, "Well, anyway, their divorce didn't affect me." Before I could open my mouth, he recanted stating, "Yes it did. It did have an effect on me." I was very proud of him. For years he would argue with me how his parents splitting didn't cause much of the disarray he found himself in at 15. He wanted to believe he made the choice to sleep in cars, in basements, alleys, wherever someone would let him, because his parents were no longer thinking of the children.
For years he hung on to the belief that he was in control of his decisions. That he somehow wanted to be on his own making a life full of mistakes and regrets because he had no parental guidance. By the time I came into his life, he was a felon with low self-esteem and even less hope. I was hopeful, but my self-esteem was just as low. Although my parents had not divorced legally, their emotional divorce was not as amicable as it could have been, so they were very distant and disrespectful towards each other at times.
This gave me a great distaste for marriage in my early years. I have come to appreciate their efforts to keep our family together despite their obviously disliking of each other. It made an important impact on how my siblings and I view and move through the world. It gave us a sense of being worthy because my parents were adult enough to recognize their happiness was up to them and they were obligated to give us the best life possible.
My husband and I talk openly for the most part. He still tries to use projection, denial, and silence to make it through the rough times. I give him time to come around, but I never drop a subject that is important. If it takes years, I make sure we work through stuff.
It really can get better with time and our relationship is an example of that possibility.
On my side, I have an uncle who divorced and he too is back with his wife who he had been married to for 25 years. My husband immediately said, "Well, anyway, their divorce didn't affect me." Before I could open my mouth, he recanted stating, "Yes it did. It did have an effect on me." I was very proud of him. For years he would argue with me how his parents splitting didn't cause much of the disarray he found himself in at 15. He wanted to believe he made the choice to sleep in cars, in basements, alleys, wherever someone would let him, because his parents were no longer thinking of the children.
For years he hung on to the belief that he was in control of his decisions. That he somehow wanted to be on his own making a life full of mistakes and regrets because he had no parental guidance. By the time I came into his life, he was a felon with low self-esteem and even less hope. I was hopeful, but my self-esteem was just as low. Although my parents had not divorced legally, their emotional divorce was not as amicable as it could have been, so they were very distant and disrespectful towards each other at times.
This gave me a great distaste for marriage in my early years. I have come to appreciate their efforts to keep our family together despite their obviously disliking of each other. It made an important impact on how my siblings and I view and move through the world. It gave us a sense of being worthy because my parents were adult enough to recognize their happiness was up to them and they were obligated to give us the best life possible.
My husband and I talk openly for the most part. He still tries to use projection, denial, and silence to make it through the rough times. I give him time to come around, but I never drop a subject that is important. If it takes years, I make sure we work through stuff.
It really can get better with time and our relationship is an example of that possibility.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
She Will See
My oldest is thinking of getting married. She will find out how hard it is. She will see that you never really know people. She will see that she cannot control another. She will find that no matter how much you want something, if the other person doesn't, it won't be.
Once she has children, she will be faced with the reality that her husband is not perfect, nor is she. She will experience all the challenges that any parent goes through trying to raise children. She will see, it is not easy.
I encourage her to open her eyes and be ready for the evitable. Life is hard and wishing it wasn't will not help. I will get to see how she deals with what is waiting for her.
She will see.
Once she has children, she will be faced with the reality that her husband is not perfect, nor is she. She will experience all the challenges that any parent goes through trying to raise children. She will see, it is not easy.
I encourage her to open her eyes and be ready for the evitable. Life is hard and wishing it wasn't will not help. I will get to see how she deals with what is waiting for her.
She will see.
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