Saturday, April 24, 2010
I've Grown
I truly feel adult. I feel confident and capable and self-aware. I feel me. I feel as though I've grown.
My Own Stuff
My attempts to rectify some of the wrongs I carried out in my marriage failed. I've spent the last seven years trying to turn around some behaviors that ruined my relationship with my husband.
He was not willing, or able to forgive me, so he set out to hurt me and make me pay. He succeeded in successfully hurting me and making it impossible for me to believe in us ever having anything meaningful together outside our lives as parents.
My own stuff helped ruin my marriage. My own insecurities, inadequacies, ignorance, lack of humility, inability to love and to be loved. I held on to these things for way too long. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, I can't help but think about how things could have turned out had I been more relationship worthy.
There are many reasons why I was the way I was, none of which make any difference at this point. I did my best and I am actually proud of the progress I've made, but it is too late for our marriage to survive in any real way. The damage has been done. Thankfully, we are both mature enough to live together and raise our daughter. We both feel strongly our kids should be reared in a two parent home.
My own stuff kept me from being able to get what I needed out of my relationship. His stuff is keeping him from respecting the honest effort I have made. It is what it is.
He was not willing, or able to forgive me, so he set out to hurt me and make me pay. He succeeded in successfully hurting me and making it impossible for me to believe in us ever having anything meaningful together outside our lives as parents.
My own stuff helped ruin my marriage. My own insecurities, inadequacies, ignorance, lack of humility, inability to love and to be loved. I held on to these things for way too long. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, I can't help but think about how things could have turned out had I been more relationship worthy.
There are many reasons why I was the way I was, none of which make any difference at this point. I did my best and I am actually proud of the progress I've made, but it is too late for our marriage to survive in any real way. The damage has been done. Thankfully, we are both mature enough to live together and raise our daughter. We both feel strongly our kids should be reared in a two parent home.
My own stuff kept me from being able to get what I needed out of my relationship. His stuff is keeping him from respecting the honest effort I have made. It is what it is.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Born to Win
Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.
Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.
"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."
I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.
Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.
In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.
According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."
The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."
The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."
It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.
My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!
So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.
I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.
We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.
I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."
Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.
Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.
"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."
I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.
Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.
In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.
According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."
The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."
The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."
It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.
My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!
So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.
I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.
We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.
I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."
Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Waiting on David
Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.
Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.
This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.
Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.
My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.
I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.
Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.
This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.
Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.
My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.
I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
No Understanding
I listen to men talk about women and it is amazing how much they don't understand and how much they don't want to understand.
Men think things would be better if women were more like men. Women think the same. Who wants to be with themselves? Let's get real.
You can't get next to love without getting involved. If you are interested in the opposite sex, then you have to be willing to deal with what comes with the opposition. We must open up to each.
Men think things would be better if women were more like men. Women think the same. Who wants to be with themselves? Let's get real.
You can't get next to love without getting involved. If you are interested in the opposite sex, then you have to be willing to deal with what comes with the opposition. We must open up to each.
You Just Never Know
As much as I believe in marriage, and the importance of doing all you can to stay married. I am finding it difficult not to want to stop the madness.
Relationships are hard. I have been with my husband for 25 years and he is just now understanding how selfish and immature he has been throughout the relationship. He feels like I should be glad that he FINALLY gets it. Instead of relief, I feel, "It's about time." But I'm worn out. As far as he has come, it is still no where near I am.
When you are immature yourself, as I was earlier in the relationship, it doesn't seem like such a big difference, but after doing the Soul Work I needed to do and having grown as much as I have, his declaration upset me.
I want him to be closer to where I am. As a matter of fact, I NEED him to grow more, but I have no control over him, so I have to do what I have to do for me. I can't say I plan to divorce, but something has to give.
Relationships are hard. I have been with my husband for 25 years and he is just now understanding how selfish and immature he has been throughout the relationship. He feels like I should be glad that he FINALLY gets it. Instead of relief, I feel, "It's about time." But I'm worn out. As far as he has come, it is still no where near I am.
When you are immature yourself, as I was earlier in the relationship, it doesn't seem like such a big difference, but after doing the Soul Work I needed to do and having grown as much as I have, his declaration upset me.
I want him to be closer to where I am. As a matter of fact, I NEED him to grow more, but I have no control over him, so I have to do what I have to do for me. I can't say I plan to divorce, but something has to give.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bandwagon
A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.
The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.
We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.
I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.
No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.
Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com
The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.
We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.
I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.
No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.
Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com
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