Thankful for My Strength

I must admit the thing I am amazed at most is the fact I have truly let go of my relationship with my husband. He was messing up our marriage and there was no need for that, especially since it was obvious he didn't really want to participate in the first place.

We have suffered so long throughout the years in our marriage. Now, at the end, what would be the point? I get it that he doesn't get it, or even want it. He wants to be single and he is. The legality of our marriage never stopped him from acting unmarried. It does not matter at this point what he does or does not do because I am gone. I am out of his life.

If he wants to be miserable, he'll have to do it by myself. I've been there and done that way too much long. I want to feel joyous more than anxious. I want to live and love freely, not feel like someone is expecting me to be more than I want to be.

I am strong and capable of making choices that are in my best interest. My husband and I had our time and now it is time to do something else. I am strong enough to face whatever and I will until the day I die.

The True Challenge

This last child of mine is challenging me every day when it comes to going to school. She is super morbidly obese, and yes, that makes things harder for her, but not as hard as they'll be if she was to become bedridden.

I continue to pray for strength, knowing that I have had this challenge before and was able to come through it. She wants to have her way and do what she wants whether it is in her best interest or not. Teenagers!

The true challenge is to not lose my mind, while trying to help her to learn to use hers.

The Good Friend

I have very few friends. The ones I do have are very good though. I think it is because I have demonstrated I am a good friend. I am honest with my friends. I am open to their limitations. I do not criticize. I don't give advice. I make suggestions. I don't try to change, but instead use acceptance as a tool to allow them to grow more into who they really want to be.

The good friend doesn't feel slighted if you can't spend time. They don't have to talk to you to know that all is well. They can accept you need your space and allow you to have it.

My friend list may be small, but it is full of love.

Something New- 3

Well, I am surprising myself. I am really considering dating outside my race when the time comes. I really need to switch some things and I think the type of man I choose is a great start. Although I will always love and adore black men, they don't love me back. They expect too little and expect to give even less. A lot of this is culture based and the type of woman I am does not fit the stereotype many black men are looking to find.

Many men believe because I am overweight my standards are lower. Several have seemed shocked to find I have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-awareness. So many are used to dealing with women who are starving for attention and love. Although I had those issues, they were more than taken care of during my marriage. I have learned to give myself love and attention, therefore I am not starving for someone to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I have to do something. I must find a way to be the woman I know I can be to a man and have him semi-appreciate it. I know white men see me as powerful and capable and are less likely to feel intimidated by me because they feel that way too. So many black men choose the dejected route to deal with life and it's struggles. Yes, things are harder for them, still today, but so many avenues have opened up also.

I need the man who can accept my independence and appreciate it, not feel threatened by it. I am ready for something new.

Chronically Ill-16

My husband is now in ICU in Evanston, IL. His 93 old aunt on his father's side died last week and the funeral was this past Saturday. On Sunday, my daughter told me he called to say he was in the hospital.

Later that day, his sister called to tell me he was being moved to ICU, he was bleeding from his rectum, they were planning to removed from his stomach with a tube, his toe may be removed, and his blood pressure is extremely high.

I listened as she talked about how "defiant" he was being and was so glad I am no longer dealing with his shitty attitude. As much as I love and care for him, I refuse to allow him to abuse me in any form or shape, for as long as I live. I have dealt with all I'm dealing with at this point in my life. I am looking for relief, support, and respect. I am not interested in anything else. It is my time and I am taking full advantage of it. He wants to be upset and bitter. I worked all that out. I just done, plain and simple.

Now, his family will get a chance to see how nasty he really is. I will not call, or get involved in any way. I am done with him and his evil ways. Somebody else can take his abuse. I am free. I sincerely hope all goes well for him, but I will not allow myself to be drawn back into his madness. I am so happy being free.

You Just Had to Have It

So often, may it be people or things, we feel like we have to have it/them. Then, when we get what we think we want, we have the nerve to be upset when it is not what we wanted it to be. This happens a lot in relationships. We don't pay attention to the signs, then when we are totally involved, we're looking to get what we thought we would, only to find what we thought is not matching up with what is.

Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.

If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.

How To Remove Fear

You remove fear with faith. Faith allows you to keep hope alive. Hope keeps you alive. The more alive you feel, the less fear can creep in.

My husband is afraid to really live. He exist and can't understand he is in control of whether he lives a rich life or not.

He is so bitter towards me and it is such a shame. It is only that way because I put a stop to his reign of terror. I won't let him get away with what he's being getting by with. He is scared and childish, a paralyzing combination.

You remove fear by learning to lean on God and not your own understanding. Plain and simple.