My husband and I had a wedding and a legal ceremony within a week of each other back in 1989. We have been married 22 years and each other's lives for 26. It has been a trip, but one worth taking. I like to say, I may not have been to paradise, but I most definitely have been to me. I grew to be the strong confident, capable black woman that I am because I stayed in my marriage.
My husband proved my theory that he has been acting out like a little child seeking attention all these years. He's been trying to get me to do to him what others have and that is give up on him. I asked him, "What is the most surprising thing about me you've learned?" He said, "How diligent you are. Do you ever give up?"
To be honest, I was still shocked by the statement. Even though I had theorized he was wanting me to quit, so he could, I didn't let that stop me from being the winner I am. I refuse to fail and like I told him, I don't spend too much time pursuing things, people, are opportunities that I feel I have little change of obtaining. I am a person who is solid in her convictions. I believe strongly in the importance of knowing what you want, going after it and appreciating it once you get it.
He is a quitter, even a loser in the eyes of many. He has spent most of our relationship in awe of me, I'd even venture to say being jealous of my ability to persevere. He wants to me give up, so he can. He often tells me if it weren't for me, he would probably be dead. For me, that is enough incentive to stay solid and be a model for integrity and tenaciousness he so desperately needs. I am a winner. Even when I lose, I win because I know that what was perceived to be a lost, wasn't meant for me in the first place.
His statement made me feel proud. I am proud that I have been able to be consistent with one person to the point of disbelief. If no one else knows, he knows I am dedicated, loyal, honest, capable, and willing. He knows I will go the extra and a half mile.
It has been said that no one can survive without some delusions. That man/woman has to have some sort of distorted view of something to hold to hope for something better. If this is true, I'm delusional in my marriage and I'm okay with that. I know it will never be exactly what I had hoped it would be. I got that. I also know that there was no way for me to know how it would turn out. Looking back, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be his wife and to know that I am making an impact on him that has is changing him for the better everyday.
He has helped me change too. I'm not the same girl I used to be either. I am a much better wife than I could have imagined being. After 22 years of marriage, I'm ready for another 22.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Day After Christmas
My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.
He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.
I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.
What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.
This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.
I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.
My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.
He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.
I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.
What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.
This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.
I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.
My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
14 and Counting
My youngest child is 14 today. She is the sweetest devil I know. I am counting down the years to college. I am ready to do me. I am tired of being mommy. I want to be Meme.
She has matured greatly and I appreciate her warm ways and true expressions of love. She is smart and capable. She loves acting and singing and want to be a star. She already is in my eyes.
Happy Birthday dear!
She has matured greatly and I appreciate her warm ways and true expressions of love. She is smart and capable. She loves acting and singing and want to be a star. She already is in my eyes.
Happy Birthday dear!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Persistence
"The grandest quality of a true achiever is not natural talent or acquired skil, but persistence--the will to keep going when the way grows hard. The true achiever never give up when difficulty comes. He fights off the discouragement of defeat. Persistence is the most important quality of the consistent winner."
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I'm Okay
I went to my 30th year class reunion at the end of July. Everyone was milling around, hugging each other and seemed so glad to see each other. People came up to me, but I soon recognized there was only two people I actually went up to and hugged.
Louis Parker, Jr. was one of them. I asked him, "Louis, where was I? I don't feel like I know anyone." He said, "Wanda, you were quiet. If no one said anything to you, you didn't say anything to them. We saw you in class, passing in the halls, and the school dances."
I must admit I felt a little empty inside, but I soon got over it. I didn't have time for them in high school. So many of them seemed as immature as they were. I thought I was grown and carried myself that way. Yes, there are drawbacks to feeling this way. One being, I don't have many friends, and I definitely don't have 30 year old friends that I have kept in contact with.
I just didn't need high school to define me like so many of them did. They are still holding on to high school glory, whereas I knew the best time of my life was not then. I knew there was nothing like being an adult who took full responsibility for their actions. I couldn't wait to be a "grown up."
Now, that I am, I relish in it. This is the best time of my life. Even though I am 60 pounds heavier than I was in high school, I heard repeatedly how I looked the same. That was a good feeling, especially since so many had changed so drastically.
I like where I am right now in life. I was right to stay to myself and follow the promptings of my soul.
One of my classmates asked me if I had thought about coming back home. I asked, "What would I do?" He seemed shocked, but it was a valid question. The area is more depressed than it was 30 years ago, it most definitely has less to offer to me. I didn't see a future there back then and I definitely don't see one now.
Louis Parker, Jr. was one of them. I asked him, "Louis, where was I? I don't feel like I know anyone." He said, "Wanda, you were quiet. If no one said anything to you, you didn't say anything to them. We saw you in class, passing in the halls, and the school dances."
I must admit I felt a little empty inside, but I soon got over it. I didn't have time for them in high school. So many of them seemed as immature as they were. I thought I was grown and carried myself that way. Yes, there are drawbacks to feeling this way. One being, I don't have many friends, and I definitely don't have 30 year old friends that I have kept in contact with.
I just didn't need high school to define me like so many of them did. They are still holding on to high school glory, whereas I knew the best time of my life was not then. I knew there was nothing like being an adult who took full responsibility for their actions. I couldn't wait to be a "grown up."
Now, that I am, I relish in it. This is the best time of my life. Even though I am 60 pounds heavier than I was in high school, I heard repeatedly how I looked the same. That was a good feeling, especially since so many had changed so drastically.
I like where I am right now in life. I was right to stay to myself and follow the promptings of my soul.
One of my classmates asked me if I had thought about coming back home. I asked, "What would I do?" He seemed shocked, but it was a valid question. The area is more depressed than it was 30 years ago, it most definitely has less to offer to me. I didn't see a future there back then and I definitely don't see one now.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Acceptance
Sometimes it is hard to think about how much effort I have put into various people and activities throughout my lifetime. Next to losing weight, making an effort to save my marriage has been the hardest.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Come to You
LIFE 101
"A Brief List of Affirmations: I am feeling warm and loving toward myself. I am forgiving myself unconditionally. I am treating all problems as opportunities to grow in wisdom and love. I am grateful for my life."
This approach has helped me deal with my marriage, especially the part that states, "I am treating all problems as opportunities to grow in wisdom and love. I am grateful for my life."
It has been my attitude of gratitude that has made it possible for me to appreciate my life as a whole.
"A Brief List of Affirmations: I am feeling warm and loving toward myself. I am forgiving myself unconditionally. I am treating all problems as opportunities to grow in wisdom and love. I am grateful for my life."
This approach has helped me deal with my marriage, especially the part that states, "I am treating all problems as opportunities to grow in wisdom and love. I am grateful for my life."
It has been my attitude of gratitude that has made it possible for me to appreciate my life as a whole.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Freedom
I have spent the last six years creating the life I have now. I feel very comfortable and feel as though I have the time to do what I need to get done. I feel as though my life reflects the inner me on many levels. I feel free.
I feel free to come and go as I please. I feel as though my life is my own. I no longer feel the dread I once did when I was working to fulfill anothers dreams. Now that I have taken the necessary steps to claim my life, I am living it.
Freedom is not free. I suffered, compromised, and sacrificed a lot to be in the position I am in today. To have peace of mind, I make less money than I could. My kids do not get a lot of things, we rely more on interpersonal and intrapersonal activities. I have an old house, an old car and old clothes.
But what is most important to me is I have a renewed spirit each day that allows me to be able to meet the day head on and be appreciative of all I have. It is my attitude of gratitude that makes each and everyday easier and easier. To be grateful for what you have is to be aware that all you have is now. Staying in the moment is one of the many paths to freedom.
I feel free to come and go as I please. I feel as though my life is my own. I no longer feel the dread I once did when I was working to fulfill anothers dreams. Now that I have taken the necessary steps to claim my life, I am living it.
Freedom is not free. I suffered, compromised, and sacrificed a lot to be in the position I am in today. To have peace of mind, I make less money than I could. My kids do not get a lot of things, we rely more on interpersonal and intrapersonal activities. I have an old house, an old car and old clothes.
But what is most important to me is I have a renewed spirit each day that allows me to be able to meet the day head on and be appreciative of all I have. It is my attitude of gratitude that makes each and everyday easier and easier. To be grateful for what you have is to be aware that all you have is now. Staying in the moment is one of the many paths to freedom.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Gratitude
Be grateful.
You have all you need at this very moment to achieve all your hopes, dreams and desires.
Be happy now! Be grateful!
Peace!
You have all you need at this very moment to achieve all your hopes, dreams and desires.
Be happy now! Be grateful!
Peace!
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