My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.
He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.
I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.
What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.
This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.
I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.
My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.