I never wanted to get married. My parents were volatile verbally and the banter made me nervous. I often felt pending doom and sick at the stomach. My emotional state was harmed greatly by their seemingly natural hate for each other. Although both were very ambitious, and money making minded people, they were on two different paths from the beginning.
They never learned the techniques I learned to use to learn to live with the man I chose, after he chose me. I asked my husband to marry me, so right off the bat I'm sharing with you that I am holding myself accountable for much of the heartache I have suffered living with him over the past 25 years.
The joy I experienced being marriage came a surprise to me. Because we both had some pretty set ideas about family, we could not see ourselves staying together if we were not married. I know my husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, and that is okay with me. I don't want to lose him either. Being able to express the need for each in a safe way has allowed us to be more loving towards each other.
I have learned to become more agreeable. As I searched to find what I thought it really was that kept me from being close to my husband, I found it was the unwillingness to let him have the right to his say and let it be right to him, if that is how he sees. Early in the relationship I was trying to be images I saw around me. It was exhausting and an empty way of live. The movie Revolutionary Road really show how we conform in this country and lose ourselves. I wasn't going to stay on that track.
I was never really on it. I was just "trying" to be an failing miserably. I had to stop and look at me. Most of my misery came from wanting him to be more like me. Admitting this to myself took years, but when I finally stopped it. My life changed. My need to know lessened greatly. I was able to focus on what I needed to do for me, my goals, my dreams, my wishes, hopes, and desires.
You may not believe this, but you can stop some of the things that are holding you back, from holding you back, by simply changing the way you view them. Perception is reality in many ways, especially for women. Sometime just they we think something is, is, until we find out different. When it comes to men, we need to accept we don't know them. They are not like us and thank God! The day I began to perceive my husband as undiscovered territory, someone to watch grow, instead of telling them where to go, someone to share time with, instead of dictating how time will be spent, someone who can tell me something, instead of someone who is incapable of sharing. We get what we look for, every time.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Pride
Pride has its place. We must take more pride in developing who we are as people. We are normally prideful when it comes to things, or when we are wrong, we use pride to elevate us.
Sometimes, women especially, tend to think pride takes the place of humility. That is not correct. They each have their function. You can have pride and be humbled. It is important we each take pride in ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our actions.
In this world of immediate gratification, self-centeredness, and lack of human communication, personal pride is getting loss more and more. Because people are so willing to take short-cuts, it is hard to be prideful when you know you have not done your best. You may not realize it consciously, but subconsciously you know.
Check yourself today.
Sometimes, women especially, tend to think pride takes the place of humility. That is not correct. They each have their function. You can have pride and be humbled. It is important we each take pride in ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our actions.
In this world of immediate gratification, self-centeredness, and lack of human communication, personal pride is getting loss more and more. Because people are so willing to take short-cuts, it is hard to be prideful when you know you have not done your best. You may not realize it consciously, but subconsciously you know.
Check yourself today.
Jenny Sanford
I just watched the interview with First Lady of North Carolina, Jenny Sanford. I am proud of her. Even though she could have stayed with her husband, she was smart enough to realize you can't make someone love you if they don't.
He clearly got on national TV and said he was "trying to fall back in love with my wife." He cried and called the other woman his "soulmate." He talked about having feelings he had never had before. He completely left her no choice but to divorce him.
Women have backbones and we need to use them more. We'll fight to the death to get new living room furniture, or a new outfit, but when a man lets you know he doesn't love you, you had better run, because if he stays and he's already gone, you will pay.
Jenny Sanford is smart. She knows she has to take advantage of this time to rebuild her life without him. She is right, he is lost. He is steeped in spiritual warfare and it was more than obvious during anytime he was interviewed about his marital status.
But wait, he told her these days were coming from the moment they married. He insisted the word faithful be taken out of the wedding vows. She felt he didn't have to say it to mean it. As long as he wanted to marry her, she was okay. He didn't want to say it, because he didn't mean it then, and he doesn't mean it now.
We have to listen. We must pay attention to what men are saying to us and stop wanting to believe what we think they are saying. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache had she waited on a man who knew he wanted to be faithful. I am not saying the man wouldn't have been unfaithful down the line, life does change us, but at least he would have started out on the right foot. Mark Sanford knew from the beginning he was not going to be faithful.
She was impressed by the pages of goals he had for himself as far as how he would make a living etc. What she should have been focusing on was who he was at the time, but all this is after the fact and now she gets start over with a clean slate and a true feeling of freedom because she did what was in her best interest.
It would be a nightmare to live with someone who didn't love you and publicly announced it. even for the sake of the kids. In this case, divorce really was the only answer. He had completely taken her for granted as illustrated by him constantly asking her permission to go see his mistress. Wow! Out of all the things I've heard, that is the hardest to believe. How could he? He knows something about her that she didn't know about herself for him to even think it was okay to ask her that question.
Listen to what they are saying. Pay attention, the signs are always there.
Peace
He clearly got on national TV and said he was "trying to fall back in love with my wife." He cried and called the other woman his "soulmate." He talked about having feelings he had never had before. He completely left her no choice but to divorce him.
Women have backbones and we need to use them more. We'll fight to the death to get new living room furniture, or a new outfit, but when a man lets you know he doesn't love you, you had better run, because if he stays and he's already gone, you will pay.
Jenny Sanford is smart. She knows she has to take advantage of this time to rebuild her life without him. She is right, he is lost. He is steeped in spiritual warfare and it was more than obvious during anytime he was interviewed about his marital status.
But wait, he told her these days were coming from the moment they married. He insisted the word faithful be taken out of the wedding vows. She felt he didn't have to say it to mean it. As long as he wanted to marry her, she was okay. He didn't want to say it, because he didn't mean it then, and he doesn't mean it now.
We have to listen. We must pay attention to what men are saying to us and stop wanting to believe what we think they are saying. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache had she waited on a man who knew he wanted to be faithful. I am not saying the man wouldn't have been unfaithful down the line, life does change us, but at least he would have started out on the right foot. Mark Sanford knew from the beginning he was not going to be faithful.
She was impressed by the pages of goals he had for himself as far as how he would make a living etc. What she should have been focusing on was who he was at the time, but all this is after the fact and now she gets start over with a clean slate and a true feeling of freedom because she did what was in her best interest.
It would be a nightmare to live with someone who didn't love you and publicly announced it. even for the sake of the kids. In this case, divorce really was the only answer. He had completely taken her for granted as illustrated by him constantly asking her permission to go see his mistress. Wow! Out of all the things I've heard, that is the hardest to believe. How could he? He knows something about her that she didn't know about herself for him to even think it was okay to ask her that question.
Listen to what they are saying. Pay attention, the signs are always there.
Peace
Monday, February 8, 2010
Still Married
Well, according to my lawyer, the fact the year is wrong on our marriage license means nothing in regards to whether the marriage is legal or not. She said, "That is a minor technicality."
So, the "what if," was put to rest.
My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."
I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."
"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"
"No," I said.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere."
It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)
So, the "what if," was put to rest.
My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."
I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."
"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"
"No," I said.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere."
It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What if?
Today I remembered something I had forgot. I remembered one day back in 1993, I needed to make a copy of my marriage licence. As I was leaving the copier, I was reading it. When I got down to the bottom, I saw the judge had put 1988, instead of 1989, which was the actual year we were married.
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Clarification
I feel the need to clarify some of my terms. Below is the definition of marriage and its derivatives. Part of the problem in many cases where an argument ensues, is people are using the same words, but meaning different things.
Look at how simple the definition for marriage is, then think about what you think about when you hear the word. Be honest, it was probably not positive, especially if you are married. We expect everything from marriage, when at the most, all we should expect is to have a close union with our spouse, we should be marriageable, and able to agree on the terms of the marriage which are laid out in the vows.
I used the word God in the title of my series of books, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, because even in what is termed "legal ceremonies," God is mentioned, especially in America. Throughout the world, most marriage vows include some form of recognition of something greater than the legal aspect of the union through prayer, song, ritual, etc.
Yet, when the marriage seems to be failing, we tend to lean on our own understanding, or that of family and friends, and never quite seek the quiet it takes to get in tune with our Higher Power. Our marriages fail many times because we cannot learn to agree to disagree. We feel because we are married to a person they should be like us, or know what we want, or be everything to us. Read the definition again, and show me where you see any of those things listed.
You can't and you won't. Marriage gives us the opportunity to be better than we could, or would be alone. Marriage offers us the opportunity to learn to communicate, even if it is with only one person. Wouldn't you want that person to be the one you are married to?
Mar*riage - 1a. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. b. Wedlock. 2. A wedding. 3. A close union.
Marriageable - Suitable for marriage, of marrying age. Marriablity, marriageableness.
Marry - 1. To join as spouses by exchanging vows. 2. To combine or blend agreeably.
Look at how simple the definition for marriage is, then think about what you think about when you hear the word. Be honest, it was probably not positive, especially if you are married. We expect everything from marriage, when at the most, all we should expect is to have a close union with our spouse, we should be marriageable, and able to agree on the terms of the marriage which are laid out in the vows.
I used the word God in the title of my series of books, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, because even in what is termed "legal ceremonies," God is mentioned, especially in America. Throughout the world, most marriage vows include some form of recognition of something greater than the legal aspect of the union through prayer, song, ritual, etc.
Yet, when the marriage seems to be failing, we tend to lean on our own understanding, or that of family and friends, and never quite seek the quiet it takes to get in tune with our Higher Power. Our marriages fail many times because we cannot learn to agree to disagree. We feel because we are married to a person they should be like us, or know what we want, or be everything to us. Read the definition again, and show me where you see any of those things listed.
You can't and you won't. Marriage gives us the opportunity to be better than we could, or would be alone. Marriage offers us the opportunity to learn to communicate, even if it is with only one person. Wouldn't you want that person to be the one you are married to?
Mar*riage - 1a. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. b. Wedlock. 2. A wedding. 3. A close union.
Marriageable - Suitable for marriage, of marrying age. Marriablity, marriageableness.
Marry - 1. To join as spouses by exchanging vows. 2. To combine or blend agreeably.
Monday, February 1, 2010
I Have Issues
I have issues just like everyone else. What sets me apart is I have become determined to look at myself before I make judgements about others. When there is a misunderstanding, (unless I know I am right) then I do all I can to make sure I don't make it worse. When I am talking to people, I do what I can to listen with intent. This practice throws so many people off because they are not used to being listened to. They ask, "Are you there? Are you listening?" I respond, "I'm listening." You really have to close your mouth and quiet the mind to listen.
I still fall a little short when it come to my kids. I'm examining why I think that is. I will say I think it has a lot to do with the fact I have taught them a lot of what they know, so I tend to finish their sentences. Thank God they are enough of their own people to tell me when I'm treading on them.
I have issues. As a matter of fact, I would say I'm a nerd and a little anti-social, in a social kinda of way. I will go somewhere, then sit and observe. Or, I can be a socialite, where I'm the life of the party. I'm fragmented like that. This is another reason why I am a fan of Gestalt therapy.
I have issues. I know I sound all smart and wise, but I'm just as lost in some ways as others are in the ways of self-aware, relationships and the other topics I write about with ease. Now if you want to start talking about managing money, or being a team player, or sports, or TV shows, I'm at a deficit. There are many things I am not good at and you can believe I stay as far away from my limitations as possible. This minimizes the stress I feel. I won't lie. I play up my strengths as much as I can.
According to Strengthsfinder my strengths are:
Self-Assurance - People strong in the Self-Assurance theme feel confident in their ability to manage their own lives. They possess an inner compass that gives them confidence that their decisions are right. This is what we all need. This is how you move forward, no matter what, by believing in yourself.
Achiever - People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive. So, me.
Communication - People strong in the Communication them generally find it easy to put their thought into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
Empathy - People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations. This is why I write this blog. I know what you are going through, or at least I "feel" like I do.
Maximizer - People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb. I told you.
Challenge yourself to do something that brings you closer to you today.
I still fall a little short when it come to my kids. I'm examining why I think that is. I will say I think it has a lot to do with the fact I have taught them a lot of what they know, so I tend to finish their sentences. Thank God they are enough of their own people to tell me when I'm treading on them.
I have issues. As a matter of fact, I would say I'm a nerd and a little anti-social, in a social kinda of way. I will go somewhere, then sit and observe. Or, I can be a socialite, where I'm the life of the party. I'm fragmented like that. This is another reason why I am a fan of Gestalt therapy.
I have issues. I know I sound all smart and wise, but I'm just as lost in some ways as others are in the ways of self-aware, relationships and the other topics I write about with ease. Now if you want to start talking about managing money, or being a team player, or sports, or TV shows, I'm at a deficit. There are many things I am not good at and you can believe I stay as far away from my limitations as possible. This minimizes the stress I feel. I won't lie. I play up my strengths as much as I can.
According to Strengthsfinder my strengths are:
Self-Assurance - People strong in the Self-Assurance theme feel confident in their ability to manage their own lives. They possess an inner compass that gives them confidence that their decisions are right. This is what we all need. This is how you move forward, no matter what, by believing in yourself.
Achiever - People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive. So, me.
Communication - People strong in the Communication them generally find it easy to put their thought into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
Empathy - People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations. This is why I write this blog. I know what you are going through, or at least I "feel" like I do.
Maximizer - People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb. I told you.
Challenge yourself to do something that brings you closer to you today.
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