Sunday, March 6, 2011

Death Sentence

My husband will have to go on dialysis. His kidneys are poisoning his body. He sees the process as a death warrant. I told him not to go through it will mean death for sure.

He vomits constantly. You would think he would run to any treatment that would relieve that. No, not him. He'd rather live in denial and pay for it every minute.

I'm so numb. I did all I could not to let myself get to this point and I ended up here anyway. I wanted to feel better about helping him when he needs me, but that won't happen. He had to turn me against him. After 25 years, he still can't accept I love him just because he is alive. He's unhappy with who he is and hates me for seeing more than he is willing to actually be.

What a sad feeling I have sometimes. I saw us doing so much more. Even if he was healthy, he wouldn't be of the mind to do the things I would want to do. Just seeing how he is holding on to his self-destructive ways, while sick, lets me know it is not meant for me to get what I need from him.

He has almost killed himself viewing dialysis as a death sentence. In all reality, this just may be the thing to save his life.

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