When It Is Over

I know for sure, without a doubt my intimate relationship is over with my estranged husband. There is no part of me that wants to believe in any possiblity that things could be different. As I bask in my new found freedom, I can't help but notice how much more alive I feel with less stress in my life. I gave my all to my marriage and it was most definitely not in vain. I gained me.

My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.

After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.

When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.

Better luck next time.

She Read the Books

I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"

I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."

On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.

Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.

Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.

The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.

People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.

It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.

What Us Gon Do?

Quote:
"Negroes want change inside but find it difficult to do so unless things outside are changed as well, it is clear that the simplistic solution of "more education" is meaningless when a society is more attuned to race than it is to academic achievement."  Dr. Grier and Dr. Cobbs Black Rage

This quote is powerful, still today. Although this book was written in 1968, it is very relevant today. We as black people have been told that all we have to do is get an education and the doors to success will open up for us. This is not true and never has been. We must change inside to make the world different on the outside. Even white folk have to do that.

It is who we are that keeps us where we're at. Yes, the color of our skin does play a huge roll in our daily lives, whether we recognize or not. Still, we are human and have unlimited potential, especially as black people. Our people survived some of the worse conditions imaginable. We are all miracles times two.

Yet, we have bought into the belief we are subhuman and many of us act this belief out everyday. We are afraid to be who we are, feel our feelings and let it be known that we matter. What us gon do? When will we stop perpetuating the plantation mentality that kept our American African ancestors bound? When will accept that we are a grand people, full of wonder, love and passion? When will we stop the ramped collective self-hate that keeps brother against brother, sister against sister and ourselves in deep spiritual warfare?

We have the knowledge, but we have yet to apply it waiting on the white man to again set us free. Waiting on the white man to love us so we can love ourselves. We are so blind to our brilliance that we don't understand that they already love us. So much so, that they can't sell a car, a burger, a bag of chips, without using our music, our phrases, our style. Why can't we see through their lies? What us gon do?

When A Woman's Fed Up

R. Kelly has done a lot of wrong, but one thing he is truly right about is when a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it.

I never wanted to get to this place. I did all within my power to stay in my marriage. Even though it was awful at times, I believed and obeyed and stayed. I didn't seek to use every little slight, mistake, etc., to get rid of my husband. Even though he broke our vows over and over, in every way. I stayed and prayed for God's will to be done within our marriage.

After seeing my estranged husband yesterday, and not feeling that familiar flutter in my heart, I knew I was completely free. One of the things we had going for us is that we both were still very physically attracted to each other. Whereas before yesterday, I would look at him and think, "Oh, I love him." Yesterday when I saw him and he approached me, I had to look twice. I saw him and knew it was him, but for some reason it didn't register the same way. I actually spoke and moved on my way. There really is nothing left to be said. Whatever we had is over.

I am so okay with it being over. I never worked at anything as hard as I did my marriage. To know how much effort I put into to the marriage, only to have it all snatched away was devastating when it first happened. Now, I'm grateful. I don't look back. There is no bitterness, only betterness.

How To Stay Married

The first thing a married person who wants to give up on their marriage needs to do is examine their role in the downfall of the marriage. More often than not we focus on what we feel the other has done to us. We rarely look at our shortcomings, or what we do or do not bring to the relationship.

If you are honest with yourself, sometimes the simple act of recognizing your role in the problem can help you find a way to stay married.

Why Some of Us Never Accomplish Much in Life

"Successful achievement requires the use and coordination of three things, thoughts, feelings, and actions. thoughts spark the process, get it going. Feelings keep the thoughts alive, encourage more thoughts, and get the body moving. Action is important to accomplish the physical tasks necessary for achievement."

The reason folk do not accomplish more in life is because their thoughts, feelings, and actions do not line up with what they claim the want to do.

I get people asking me all the time how I have accomplished as much as I have during my lifetime. It is because I keep these three things aligned. When I think of something I want to do. I immediately check how strong a feeling I have about pursuing whatever it is. If the feeling is strong, and I cannot deny it; I proceed to being the tasks necessary to get the job done. Plain and simple.

You've got move something to get something done.

You Can't Give What You Don't Have

You really can't give what you don't have especially when it comes to emotional matters. People who bottle up their feelings and allow themselves to go through life numb are really unable to truly share with another.

Some kind of way I have been able to hold on to the essence of who I am. As awful as my childhood was, as treacherous as my marriage got, I never lost sight of me. This is why I am healthy and whole today. My mother couldn't scold, or cajole the me out of me. My husband couldn't beat, couldn't make me feel bad enough about myself to lose sight of who I was and he couldn't get me to deny who I saw him to be.

I have been able to give because I have always had the greatest love of all, love of self.

Why I Ultimately Left My Husband Behind

"If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all." Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving

After seven years of doing my best to win my husband's forgiveness, I recognized he was unable to forgive because he did not know how to love. Although he professes his love for me, his actions proved otherwise. I went throughout the house and took down all the pictures of us. I wanted to make a clear statement that I knew without a doubt, he did not love me.

He was baffled by my actions. He could not believe I didn't believe he loved me. I told him time and time again his actions spoke louder than his words and I finally accept what I see and I will no longer listen to what he says.

He does not love himself. There is no way he loves me. When he became ill and I saw how much he was giving up on himself, it really pushed the reality that he did not love himself, so how could I truly expect to get love from him?

I left my husband behind because until he loves himself, we will never have anything real or of value. Yes, we've been together a long time. In the beginning, for about five years, I was like most women, giving and loving too much. When our son was born, my husband showed great interest in being a caretaker. Instead of feeling like he couldn't do things, I helped him hone his nurturing skills. In many ways, he is a better parent than I am. We both had a lot to learn. I did, he didn't.

Yet, there was still something missing. The biggest piece of the puzzle, self-love. His lack of self-love is what has led to the life he has today. I had to ultimately leave him behind if I am to ever be loved, because until he learns to love himself, he will never be able to love me.

What is My Greatest Challenge?

A while back I found it impossible to really share how I felt because I thought I would be ridiculed by others as I was in my home growing up with a mother who did not respect emotions and feelings. The exposure of ones feelings was laughed at, ridiculed, and completely unaccepted. I was made to feel foolish for feeling.

I had to learn that being vulnerable was not the same as being weak. Now that I am a grown ass woman, I know that my vulnerability is an assest, especially in intimate relationships. During my marriage I laid it all out, I gave my all. I didn't hide anything and did my best not to lie about anything. I wanted to experience intimacy on any level possible.

Throughout my 26 year relationship with my husband I was given many opportunties to be vulnerable. In the beginning, I refused because I was still so sick from being reared in a dysfunctional household. As I matured, and sought realness in my marriage, I saw clearly I had to give what I wanted to have a chance of receiving what I desired.

I can honestly say I have met the challenge of being vulnerable. I am wide open with those close to me. I want to feel life and love. I want to express myself freely and allow others to do the same. Challenge yourself to be open to another today.

Why Everyday Is Confirmation of Worthiness

So many of us wake everyday feeling as though we have nothing to offer. What we don't realize is we would not be here if it were not something for us to do, to give, to learn. God wants us to accept our place on this earth with a fever that is unmatched by others. We each are worthy of life because of this we must find a way to deal with the day in and day out of life.

I got pregnant when I was seventeen years old. My family was rocked behind this revelation. My mother could barely stand to look at me. To this day, I cannot reconcile with the hypocrisy she displayed. I have seen it all my life, parents spending too much time trying to make their children feel guilty, using shame, beatings, disapproval, distance, silence and negligence to get them in line. When what is needed, is for parents to step up and parent their children so that they won't grow up feeling unworthy.

Feelings of unworthiness begin early for most of us. How we are treated by those closest to us develops our self-esteem. So many in my generation, and most definitely the generations before, have had to struggle with being too light, or too dark, too fat, or too skinny, hair to nappy, hair too straight, too smart, too dumb. We have passed on the tenets of the Willie Syndrome generation after generation. It has only served to fill our children with a sense of unworthiness.

Know that you are worthy no matter how you look, or what you do. You have no control over anyone except yourself. You have no one to answer, except The Creator. You need to trust and believe that everyday you awake and take in a breathe it is confirmation of your worthiness.

Married Minded

I came to realize I was the marrying type late into my marriage. Now, it is hard for me to change the way I think. I don't feel like I can do the dating thing. Maleness has become something I can say truly bothers me. Different men display their maleness in different ways, just as woman show varying degrees of feminity.

I lived with an Alpha male for over 26 years. I had to learn to be more humble and I accepted that reality, but even with my working on myself, I found the arrogance that is inevitable when it comes to males, gets on my nerves.

Unfortunately, I love men and dealing with their malesness is part of the territory. My husband's insecuritites got the best of him. He spent too much time being macho and wanting to be in control of everything, but himself of course. This is why his life continuously falls apart. He knew what was right for everyone else, but could do little for himself.

Now that we are separated and it feels like we won't get back together; I have been allowing myself to think I very well may have to date again. What I know about maleness makes me feel like I don't want to do it.

Such Clarity

When I was going through the trials and tribulations over the last 26 years, I fought against believing it was meant for me to be in the circumstances I found myself in. It has only been within the last seven years that I have fully accepted God's will for my life. By doing so I was freed from the misguided beliefs and ignorance that kept me bound to the devil for so many years.

When you become enlightened, you can no longer act like, live like, or pretend like, you don't know better. As I really began to live within God's will, I recognized my resistance to many things waned. I became more willing to allow others to be who they are. I began to accept my limited role in the lives of others, and take more stock in the role I needed to play in my own life.

Now, today? I awake with such clarity. I feel as though I could do anything, but at the same time is content to do noting at all. I've always been pretty even, but now I feel a true sense of moderation. I have no desire to over do anything. I just want to be the best person I can and remain as clear in mind, as I am today.

What They Say

I am not a conformist. In no way, by no means, do I feel compelled to do "what they say."

As long as I believe I am in within God's perfect will for my life, "what they say," has no bearing. We it see it happening everyday. Those among us who have been told they'll never make it, or they don't have what it takes; make it.

Making it means different things to different people. I truly feel I have made it in life because I have realized all the dreams and goals I had for myself, and have lived long enough and authentic enough to reap the blessings God had in store for me also. I can truly say I have never thought of money in terms of being successful and I am most proud of the 16 year old who knew that money can only buy things. I knew back then, that money could not replace peace of mind.

Today, I have plenty of peace of mind and no money and yes, I have the nerve to be happy. I am happy because I know that by not listening to "what they say," you have a greater chance of hearing what you say and maybe even what God has to say, if you are so inclined.

I refuse to beat myself up because I don't need much. I don't care what they say; I just gotta be me and if being me keeps me from being a part of "what they say" is cool, so be it. I still have me and that my dear is no small audience. I'm gonna have my say.

Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

Seeing Yourself

I know this all too well. It is hard to see yourself. It is hard to recognize your flaws and deal with them appropriately, but it is oh so necessary.

I work with a woman who is discriminatory, prejudiced, and completely unaware of how rude and dismissive she is to others. She's leaving the job and I cannot be happier. She liked me the least and made sure I knew it at every turn.

I am glad I chose to rise above her pettiness and be the woman I am, but it is still difficult to tolerate a person so unwilling to take a step and look at themselves. I wish her well and I just pray and hope she is a better wife and mother than she was a supervisor. I know her newlywed husband well, and personally I feel he deserves better. No one knows better than me that you can't always help who you love.

I wish them well.

I Do

I do think highly of myself. Yes, I really do. I know what I have had to overcome and is still overcoming everyday. I also know folk who haven't experienced I 1/3 of what I have and have killed themselves. I am beyond a survivor, I have learned how to live.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 years old. I remember telling my classmates my plans back in the fourth grade. Of course they all told me I wouldn't be going anywhere and most definitely would not be famous. When I went to high school, I found I was multi-talented. A triple threat and some if I may say so myself. I sing, dance, act, write, perform stand-up, cook, publish. I have lived the life I knew I would. Even in high school, I didn't view having money as being successful. I knew I would be successful if I got the chance to live they way I always dreamed of and that is being at peace in every situation.

I knew back then that doing what I loved was all that really mattered. I knew of people who were miserable on their jobs, but felt trapped, or were uneducated, or really just had no desire to go beyond what felt comfortable at the time. My ambitious spirit never lets me rest and I do feel it has been a great asset, but I have also recognized how it could take me down, if I let it.

I do feel good about the fact I learned that maintaining a balanced life is the best way to get the best out of life. I actually fill great about the fact I learned this in my thirties and was able to practice it to the point I could see the benefits in my life. I do feel some pride over tackling the devil within and showing her up to be the liar she is. There was something deeply self-destructive inside of me. I purged her and yes, I do feel good about that.

Learning more about me has helped to save my marriage. I found I didn't care about a lot of things I once thought I did, so therefore there was no need to argue or have discord over stuff that doesn't matter. Of course this made me much easier to get along and live with. All these little things added up and now I can say without a doubt, I do have myself together.

You

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." Janis Joplin

I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.

It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.

Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.

Personal Power

Increase your personal power by:

1. Listening--is the ability to hear what is being said and get the message behind the words. Developing the ability to encourage more information and to successfully understand what is being said. "I hear you saying you are not pleased with your assignment. Could be please tell me exactly what parts of the assignment bother you?"
2. Speaking Clearly and directly--Develop the ability to deliver a clear statement with no hidden messages. We must understand our own feelings and motivations in order to clarify and send direct messages.
3. Verbal and nonverbal congruence--develop the ability to support verbal statements with nonverbal behaviors that deliver the same message. (The look on your face should match what you say."
4. Setting limits--Develop the ability to set priorities and refuse to spend time on things and people that interfere with those priorities.
5. Making requests--Develop the ability to ask clearly, persistently and persuasively for the ting we want.
6. Managing conflict--Develop the ability to sort through the facts, behaviors and feelings of a difficult situation. In managing conflict it is especially important to separate facts from assumptions and present feelings from prior history. Managing conflict is a two-way communication process, and the sender of the message should always wait to hear the perceptions and feelings of the recipient. The next step is to move on to what we want the other person to do.
7. Negotiating--Develop the ability to give and take. Negotiating requires entering situations with a clear idea of what you want and what you don't ant, as well as paying attention to the needs, concerns and interests of the other party.
8. Motivating--Develop the ability to assess what is important to the people around you. Praise, reward, compliments, money, recognition, visibility and feedback are all excellent motivators. It takes observation and assessment to choose the one that best meets the needs of all. The best motivator is to catch people doing the right thing. We are so used to only responding to negative actions, that when someone does something right we tend to ignore them. When we praise them for what they have done right, they are likely to behave in a positive manner again.

People skills can be taught, identified, analyzed, learned and mastered. Practice makes perfect.

Remaining True

It is so important to remain true to yourself. So many people give up themselves for others. The deny their needs, but have expectations that others will meet them. You must be true to yourself. If you don't love and take care of you; you can't expect others to do it. It is just not realistic.

What is real is being the most authentic person you can be. Life is much too short to sit and wait for someone else to get it. Other folk are looking out for them. You need to do the same for you.

On the Outside Looking In

If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"

People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.

I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.

My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.

He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.

Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.

Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.

It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."

What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.

You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.

They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!