51 and Fabulous

Turning 51 is a true blessing especially since I am healthy and have my mind in tact. Oh yes, there are times when I have thought I would not only not see 50, let alone 51. It is all good. I am on the right track and that is such a marvelous feeling.

I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.

I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.

Peace, love and soul!

What Us Gon Do?

Quote:
"Negroes want change inside but find it difficult to do so unless things outside are changed as well, it is clear that the simplistic solution of "more education" is meaningless when a society is more attuned to race than it is to academic achievement."  Dr. Grier and Dr. Cobbs Black Rage

This quote is powerful, still today. Although this book was written in 1968, it is very relevant today. We as black people have been told that all we have to do is get an education and the doors to success will open up for us. This is not true and never has been. We must change inside to make the world different on the outside. Even white folk have to do that.

It is who we are that keeps us where we're at. Yes, the color of our skin does play a huge roll in our daily lives, whether we recognize or not. Still, we are human and have unlimited potential, especially as black people. Our people survived some of the worse conditions imaginable. We are all miracles times two.

Yet, we have bought into the belief we are subhuman and many of us act this belief out everyday. We are afraid to be who we are, feel our feelings and let it be known that we matter. What us gon do? When will we stop perpetuating the plantation mentality that kept our American African ancestors bound? When will accept that we are a grand people, full of wonder, love and passion? When will we stop the ramped collective self-hate that keeps brother against brother, sister against sister and ourselves in deep spiritual warfare?

We have the knowledge, but we have yet to apply it waiting on the white man to again set us free. Waiting on the white man to love us so we can love ourselves. We are so blind to our brilliance that we don't understand that they already love us. So much so, that they can't sell a car, a burger, a bag of chips, without using our music, our phrases, our style. Why can't we see through their lies? What us gon do?

Why I Ultimately Left My Husband Behind

"If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all." Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving

After seven years of doing my best to win my husband's forgiveness, I recognized he was unable to forgive because he did not know how to love. Although he professes his love for me, his actions proved otherwise. I went throughout the house and took down all the pictures of us. I wanted to make a clear statement that I knew without a doubt, he did not love me.

He was baffled by my actions. He could not believe I didn't believe he loved me. I told him time and time again his actions spoke louder than his words and I finally accept what I see and I will no longer listen to what he says.

He does not love himself. There is no way he loves me. When he became ill and I saw how much he was giving up on himself, it really pushed the reality that he did not love himself, so how could I truly expect to get love from him?

I left my husband behind because until he loves himself, we will never have anything real or of value. Yes, we've been together a long time. In the beginning, for about five years, I was like most women, giving and loving too much. When our son was born, my husband showed great interest in being a caretaker. Instead of feeling like he couldn't do things, I helped him hone his nurturing skills. In many ways, he is a better parent than I am. We both had a lot to learn. I did, he didn't.

Yet, there was still something missing. The biggest piece of the puzzle, self-love. His lack of self-love is what has led to the life he has today. I had to ultimately leave him behind if I am to ever be loved, because until he learns to love himself, he will never be able to love me.

The Closer I Get to Me

These past few months have been life changing. Being in human being mode has been exactly what I have needed. I have been doing for others so long that I could feel my human being screaming out to be loved. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for myself. I need to stand up for my inner child, love her and shut her up. For years she ruined my life with her impulsive behaviors with food.

Now that I have gotten closer to me, I do not have to use food as a buffer between me and the world. I am completely unafraid to stand up for myself and the woman I want to be. For so long, I ran from my personal power. Like so many victims, I kept wanting to blame someone else, so someone else could fix me.

Oh what a blessing the day I accepted that I was perfect the way I am and that only through self-acceptance would I ever be able to live the full life God has intended. Part of me wants to rush out into the world like a bright-eyed teenager. I really feel like there is nothing I can't do if I put my mind to it. I feel like life is beckoning for me to search out the love I feel I need so that I can give the love I desire to share.

The closer I get to me, the more I see how wonderful of a human being I can be.

Keeping It Real

Folk say they want people to be honest with them, but let me tell you this, they don't. As soon as you are, they immediately have a problem with it. They try to make you feel wrong because you are right. The truth really does hurt and for those of us who keep it real; we find that we hurt people just by simply being truthful.

Keeping it real is a must, but it may also keep you from having real people in your life.
Be authentic. There is only one you. Be glad. I know I am. Peace

So Glad I Don't Have to Know Everything

I have no idea where my life is headed, but I am okay with it. God has shown me consistently I am covered by grace. I have completed most of the goals I have set for myself. I feel there is so much more I need to do while on this earth.

I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.

So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.

Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

To Be No One But Myself

I have held fast to the belief that I get a chance to be me just as everyone else. My mother would tell me, "Wanda, I put my feelings in my nightstand drawer every morning I wake up."

She didn't have to brag. It was obvious by her coldness and aloof attitude that she was not in touch with her feelings. Even as a young girl, I knew she sounded crazy to want to disconnect from her feelings. Not unlike so many other women, she was not in control of her emotions, so she tried to hide them.

I refuse to hide the richest part of who I am. My feelings and emotions, although easily changeable, are a great part of who I am and deserve my attention and care just as any other part of me.

To be no one but myself, has always been my desire. I can tell you truly, at almost 50, I got it now. I am me and I don't give a damn who doesn't like it. Peace

Why It is Important to Know Who You Are

There are so many reasons people do not get to know who they are. Some people are taught thinking about themselves, and what they want is being selfish. Unfortunately, for those who have no idea who they are, they are the ones who are easily led. They'll buy just because someone else does, they'll even sell for the same reasons. They spend loads of time thinking about what others think of them, doing all they can to please everyone, not realizing it will never happen.

It is important to know who you are because when you don't life gets increasingly hard to live. You begin to develop resentments because you feel you have no say in your life. To a great degree you don't when you measure your reality through the eyes of others. Knowing who you are is not a cure all, but a true beginning to understanding why you do some of the things you do and don't do.

Self-knowledge is also a gateway to understanding others. We are not really that much different and in the ways that we are, they don't really matter. Male/Female, skin color, eyes, nose, ears, etc. We all have these characteristics, but they minimally impact our lives. How we think, what we do, these are the things that make the difference.

Take time to get to know who you are. Learn to like you, you'll love you.

More and More

I am adapting to being by myself very well. I no longer feel like I missing someone. Glad that feeling didn't last long. I am so ready to do something else. Life is opening up just fine. I feel confident I am on the right path.

I don't think I'll ever live with another man. It is just too hard. They are so different from us (females). I have learned that what bothers me most about them, is their maleness and they can't help being male, no more than I can being female. The only solution is for me to keep my distance.

Even though I am a lover, I don't have to have my lover under the covers with me every night. I like sleeping alone. I like not having to consider someone else when I want to turn over or move a lot. I can do me.

I am so grateful for the experience my marriage has given me, but most of all the self-awareness and self-knowledge has been most beneficial. I won't make the same mistakes with other men that I did with my husband because more and more I am coming into my own appreciating and valuing myself.

Understanding Myself

I didn't get to know myself until I turned 35. Between now and then I have spent a lot of time in self-analysis. I went through 18 months of therapy and during that time I learned about myself, what I see in so many others; we cannot control anything, or anyone outside of ourselves.

Most conflict is started based on people's desire to tell others what they can and cannot do. Yes, we all have to follow rules and regulations, no one is a free agent. I am talking about people who try to manipulate the choices of individuals. I call them soul snatchers. These people will go to great length to shape the life of another, while simultaneously fucking up their own.
There is no way to live two lives.

Now that I have gotten really in touch with myself, I notice I seldom think about what other people think. I have really come to appreciate my own thinking and I respect myself greatly. Facebook has given me the opportunity to talk to people I knew years ago, especially old male friends who dumped me for whatever reason. I have experienced flattering input from several people. The growing theme has been that people felt I was genuine and loving. I feel blessed to have left such a legacy, thus far.

I will continue to do what I must to understand me. Now that I have accepted my marriage will no longer go in the direction I had hoped, I must learn to allow myself to be open to meeting other men. The greatest thing about this is I truly am not bitter. Although very disappointed, God has helped me understand how he uses people and that I should feel honored, instead of defeated, for I have taken the greatest risk of all, I lived within God's will.

Now, I have the opportunity to live a completely different life and I plan to do just that. I am moving towards the greatness that has laid dormant for far too long. It is so my time to shine, to love, to take, to give. I fully understand.

I'm Just Me

I've always been an easy going type person. I don't trip on much and I like to allow others to be themselves. I find most people who really take the time to know me are pleasantly surprised to find I am not stuck up, mean, judgemental, or unapproachable as they have heard, or assumed by the way I carry myself.

I am the no nonsense type. I don't play games, or choose a lie over the truth. I pride myself on beings as honest as I possibly can be. Sometimes the honesty is too much for folk because they are not used to people being straightforward. They are more concerned with being liked than being respected or treated well. When they meet someone like me, who is going to treat them like they are worthy, they tend to think something is wrong with me.

It's just me, to let you be you. My ability to do this is what kept my husband with me all these years. He hadn't and still hasn't met anyone who allows him to be himself as I do. Now, he'll have to learn to be himself with whomever he's with.

It's just me to recognize the God in others and to know it is not up to me to determine what is best for them, I am only mandated to love them. God will do the rest.

The Space I'm In

I'm in a space I really haven't experienced before. I haven't found the words to explain it except to say I know who I am.

I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.

Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.

I love the space I'm in.

WMHTM-10

Marriage taught me how to be compassionate. Since my husband had such an issue maturing, I had a hard time feeling compassion for him. I felt if I could do it, he could too. I had no compassion for how he was raised, his plight in life, or his limitations. I loved him, so he should be perfect.

Marriage made me look at my perfectionism and rid myself of it. Marriage helped me know that no one is like me and that I should be grateful and spend time working on my problems, finding ways to keep my limitations from holding me back, and doing what I could to grow and become the person I knew I was meant to be.

I had to learn to love my husband where he was, no matter what I thought of it. I had to live and let live.

Chronically Ill-13

Lucky 13! This is my last post, for now, regarding my husbands health. I have no idea where he stands as of July 5th, but on that date he had a bleed ulcer on his third toe on his right leg. It will eventually have to be removed. His blood pressure is still a deep issue and he is now taking dialysis.

I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.

I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.

I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.

What They Say

I am not a conformist. In no way, by no means, do I feel compelled to do "what they say."

As long as I believe I am in within God's perfect will for my life, "what they say," has no bearing. We it see it happening everyday. Those among us who have been told they'll never make it, or they don't have what it takes; make it.

Making it means different things to different people. I truly feel I have made it in life because I have realized all the dreams and goals I had for myself, and have lived long enough and authentic enough to reap the blessings God had in store for me also. I can truly say I have never thought of money in terms of being successful and I am most proud of the 16 year old who knew that money can only buy things. I knew back then, that money could not replace peace of mind.

Today, I have plenty of peace of mind and no money and yes, I have the nerve to be happy. I am happy because I know that by not listening to "what they say," you have a greater chance of hearing what you say and maybe even what God has to say, if you are so inclined.

I refuse to beat myself up because I don't need much. I don't care what they say; I just gotta be me and if being me keeps me from being a part of "what they say" is cool, so be it. I still have me and that my dear is no small audience. I'm gonna have my say.

Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

The More I Know

The more I know, the more I know I don't know much. I am a lifelong student and it feels good to be open to new things. So many of us lead with our negative thoughts. This only blocks us from the ability to truly grow as a person. So many people get to a point where they think they know it all.

I am grateful I know there is so much more to learn and that I willing to keep learning until the day I die. To many I come off as a "know-it-all." In reality, I am confident when I am talking about what I do know. My confidence threatens some and baffles many. You see, I am a black woman, with classic features, natural hair and a down-to-earth personality. I really wish I had nickle for every time someone has talked to me with preconceived notions, only to be blown away by finding out they were wrong in all of their assumptions.

Many assume I want to control my surroundings. This is not true. I am just as comfortable being a follower as I am a leader. Many are surprised to find that I am an excellent listener. This really blows folks minds because I like to talk. Many think I'm a cold fish. My husband says I carry myself like a person who is unapproachable. I'm not unapproachable, I just don't want to deal with bullshit, so I wear my bullshit repellent face.

The more I know, the more I believe people are capable of great things. Do something great today. You have it in you.

So Glad

I am so glad to be me. I can remember when I was afraid the world wouldn't accept me, so I kept to myself. I always felt it was okay to be me, I just think didn't anyone else could understand me, and I was right to a great extent. People don't get me. They always seem to be puzzled by the way I express myself, how I walk, how I talk, how I move.

It never fails that after I meet someone and talk to them for 15 minutes, they're saying, "I thought you where this, that or the other."

I am so glad I now know they don't have to get me. People don't have to like me. They don't have to love me. They just have to leave me alone and I will do the same for them. I think people spend too much time caring about what other people think. You can be assured, ten minutes after folk leave your funeral, they'll be going on with their lives like you never existed. Be glad for you and live you life. Other folk sure will.

Seeing Yourself

I know this all too well. It is hard to see yourself. It is hard to recognize your flaws and deal with them appropriately, but it is oh so necessary.

I work with a woman who is discriminatory, prejudiced, and completely unaware of how rude and dismissive she is to others. She's leaving the job and I cannot be happier. She liked me the least and made sure I knew it at every turn.

I am glad I chose to rise above her pettiness and be the woman I am, but it is still difficult to tolerate a person so unwilling to take a step and look at themselves. I wish her well and I just pray and hope she is a better wife and mother than she was a supervisor. I know her newlywed husband well, and personally I feel he deserves better. No one knows better than me that you can't always help who you love.

I wish them well.