I'm done with it. My whole marriage, that is. I'm done with thinking about it, wanting to talk about, or even feel about it.
I was asked, "do you feel like you've been scarred?"
"No, because I have accepted my role in the demise of the marriage. I spent the last seven years repenting and trying to redeem myself for the wrongs I have committed."
This is true. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I began to look at myself and deal with the problems I presented in the marriage. By doing so, I was able to take more responsibility for the fact it was ended, but I also became more compassionate towards my husband.
I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. I presented the idea to him and he agreed but he didn't really mean it. He has never forgiven me for anything I've done to him even though I have done all I could to right my wrongs.
Now that I am free and in one piece I'm done with all that drama. When I think of him and a negative thought pops in my head, I pray for him and ask God to keep him and guide him. I only think of the good memories, if I allow myself to think about him at all.
Tomorrow, August 1, 2011, begins a new era in my life. My marriage gave me the confidence to be the woman I want to be. I am risk taker, a lover of life, a child of God, and a giver of love. I am at peace and feel blessed to be alive and thankful for the opportunity to learn how to love the hard way.
No harm, no foul, I survived living and sleeping with the devil with a minor scratch. I'm good!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
He Hates Me
What I have believed to be true for a few years now, is. My husband hates me. He hates me because I am a better person than he is and he knows it for sure. After 26 years, I have remained basically the same. I have maintained my dignity, personal integrity, and since of loyalty.
I have kept all my promises and have done all I could to right the wrongs I committed during our relationship. He was unable to accept my love and kindness for many reasons, the foremost being because he didn't deserve it.
He hates the fact I don't give up. He hates I have literally achieved every goal I told him I would when we began dating in August of 1985. I've even combated the weight issue and I know that is something he never thought I would do because I was so messes up in the head when it came to food and the effects it had on my body. He just knew I'd be fat and miserable all my life.
He hates me because my kids love me and has tried to turn them against me since we've been apart. This is the biggest tragedy because they know who I am. They have been here all the time too.
I tried desperately to bring him with me on this journey of self-awareness. When I met him I was crazy as hell. I was frightened of the world, depressed and lonely. He loved introducing me to stuff and bringing me out of my shell. He just didn't know how quick of a learning I would be and that I was just waiting for my turn.
As much as he understands love, I believe he has it for me. Yet, he clearly does not like me. To be honest, I'm proud to know he doesn't like me because I ain't about the bullshit and because I am the woman I present myself to be. I ain't fake and he couldn't take the for real, for real.
I have kept all my promises and have done all I could to right the wrongs I committed during our relationship. He was unable to accept my love and kindness for many reasons, the foremost being because he didn't deserve it.
He hates the fact I don't give up. He hates I have literally achieved every goal I told him I would when we began dating in August of 1985. I've even combated the weight issue and I know that is something he never thought I would do because I was so messes up in the head when it came to food and the effects it had on my body. He just knew I'd be fat and miserable all my life.
He hates me because my kids love me and has tried to turn them against me since we've been apart. This is the biggest tragedy because they know who I am. They have been here all the time too.
I tried desperately to bring him with me on this journey of self-awareness. When I met him I was crazy as hell. I was frightened of the world, depressed and lonely. He loved introducing me to stuff and bringing me out of my shell. He just didn't know how quick of a learning I would be and that I was just waiting for my turn.
As much as he understands love, I believe he has it for me. Yet, he clearly does not like me. To be honest, I'm proud to know he doesn't like me because I ain't about the bullshit and because I am the woman I present myself to be. I ain't fake and he couldn't take the for real, for real.
So Many of Us
So many of us are lost in this life. Not because we have to be, but because when we put forth the half efforts that we do to transform our lives we give up.
My husband gave me the best compliment when he asked me, "Do you ever give up?"
That made me feel triumphant. I knew I had reached him whether it benefited him or not. He knew I didn't give up on him or anything else in my life. So many of us can't make others see who we are because we don't let ourselves see it either. I spent the last 26 years really working on me and it paid off in the long run.
So many of us want others to make us happy. We think by getting married and having kids that everything will fall into place. It does, years after you have built the foundation and have built upon it. Having been in a long-term relationship I can truly say things did get better with time.
If you want things in your life to be different, you have to make it happen. So many of us forget this.
My husband gave me the best compliment when he asked me, "Do you ever give up?"
That made me feel triumphant. I knew I had reached him whether it benefited him or not. He knew I didn't give up on him or anything else in my life. So many of us can't make others see who we are because we don't let ourselves see it either. I spent the last 26 years really working on me and it paid off in the long run.
So many of us want others to make us happy. We think by getting married and having kids that everything will fall into place. It does, years after you have built the foundation and have built upon it. Having been in a long-term relationship I can truly say things did get better with time.
If you want things in your life to be different, you have to make it happen. So many of us forget this.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Taking Charge of Your Life
Ever since I've accepted my adult responsibilities, I have chosen not to make excuses and do the best I can with whatever I have at any given moment. I am in control of my life. I recognize this completely and expect little when it comes to help from others. I have a rich life, full of opportunities and adventure.
I am so glad I've learned how to truly live. All my friends are looking at me sideways because they are expecting to see me react as I have in the past. Nothing is the same and I know it. Being separated from my husband is the best thing for both of us. Even though he is seriously ill, I'm not the best person to be his caretaker. He really doesn't like me and now that we are separated he is going all out to get back at me.
The great thing about it is I've been authentic and true throughout the whole time. The people close to me know the truth and that is all that is important. As long as no one is taking control over my life, I am fine. I am in a great spot.
I am so glad I've learned how to truly live. All my friends are looking at me sideways because they are expecting to see me react as I have in the past. Nothing is the same and I know it. Being separated from my husband is the best thing for both of us. Even though he is seriously ill, I'm not the best person to be his caretaker. He really doesn't like me and now that we are separated he is going all out to get back at me.
The great thing about it is I've been authentic and true throughout the whole time. The people close to me know the truth and that is all that is important. As long as no one is taking control over my life, I am fine. I am in a great spot.
Friday, July 29, 2011
What Single Women Need To Know
We find out too late what our mothers meant when they told us we were too young to know what love means. So many of us rush into relationships with little boys, then when they break our hearts, we hold on to the ache and some carry it for the rest of their lives.
When you are single, there is always going to be a level of a person you are not aware of, especially if they are trying to win you over.
What single women need to know is you don't know men, you have to learn who they are because of their maleness.
Maleness is what causes many women to be turned off by men. Because of our femaleness, which is viewed as the opposite of maleness, we have a hard time relating to them. It is our duty, (as is theirs) to accept the difference and instead of the disrepect, dismissal and sometimes abhoration of the difference, we much embrace it. We do this by asking questions, instead of making assumptions, or going on our intuition. We must read books written by men, about men. But most of all, we must never forget the human component and lead with compassion, understanding and a sense of awe that will lead to joy and a happy relationship.
When you are single, there is always going to be a level of a person you are not aware of, especially if they are trying to win you over.
What single women need to know is you don't know men, you have to learn who they are because of their maleness.
Maleness is what causes many women to be turned off by men. Because of our femaleness, which is viewed as the opposite of maleness, we have a hard time relating to them. It is our duty, (as is theirs) to accept the difference and instead of the disrepect, dismissal and sometimes abhoration of the difference, we much embrace it. We do this by asking questions, instead of making assumptions, or going on our intuition. We must read books written by men, about men. But most of all, we must never forget the human component and lead with compassion, understanding and a sense of awe that will lead to joy and a happy relationship.
Enough
Marriage and family life were enough for me. It is more than obvious God has something else in store. Even though I enjoyed learning how to be a wife and mother, I am so ready for something else.
The greatest thing about separation is if you are capable of looking at yourself and examining the choices and actions that have gotten you to this point, hindsight, you can figure out what you could have done differently. Whether you would have done it differently doesn't matter as much as being aware that the same choice will present itself, it is at that time you will be challenged with making a different, or the same decision.
We repeat harmful decisions for various reasons. None of which are truly valid, except we did not learn from the consequences of the harmful decisions, or we are making the choice want. I have always been the sort to try to learn from my mistakes and those of others.
Now that I know enough isn't good enough for me, I'm ready for what lies ahead.
The greatest thing about separation is if you are capable of looking at yourself and examining the choices and actions that have gotten you to this point, hindsight, you can figure out what you could have done differently. Whether you would have done it differently doesn't matter as much as being aware that the same choice will present itself, it is at that time you will be challenged with making a different, or the same decision.
We repeat harmful decisions for various reasons. None of which are truly valid, except we did not learn from the consequences of the harmful decisions, or we are making the choice want. I have always been the sort to try to learn from my mistakes and those of others.
Now that I know enough isn't good enough for me, I'm ready for what lies ahead.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Perfect Wife
I wasn't always the perfect wife. I learned how to be the hard way. I was very verbally abusive to my husband for half of our marriage. It would mainly happen if he would disappointment me, disagree with me, or mistreat me. Although I felt justified in being angry at some of the situations and circumstances he found himself in, I could have been more loving in my approach, especially since I do love and care about him.
I have various reasons as to why I was that way. Most of the reason has to do with the lack of control I had over my emotions. My role models for handling conflict were conflictual, so I didn't have a clear understanding of how to deal with uncomfortable, hurtful, or even unexpected situations.
Back in 2004 when I discovered my husband was having an affair, when he asked me if I was going to leave him, my mouth wanted to say yes, but God put it on my heart to say no. When I said no, that began me on a journey of self-awareness so deep it shook my very soul. It was at that moment I began to notice a shift in awareness, understanding and I discovered I lacked compassion for my husband.
I began on my journey of becoming the perfect wife.
I have various reasons as to why I was that way. Most of the reason has to do with the lack of control I had over my emotions. My role models for handling conflict were conflictual, so I didn't have a clear understanding of how to deal with uncomfortable, hurtful, or even unexpected situations.
Back in 2004 when I discovered my husband was having an affair, when he asked me if I was going to leave him, my mouth wanted to say yes, but God put it on my heart to say no. When I said no, that began me on a journey of self-awareness so deep it shook my very soul. It was at that moment I began to notice a shift in awareness, understanding and I discovered I lacked compassion for my husband.
I began on my journey of becoming the perfect wife.
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