No Shame

I miss having a husband to love and care for and I am not ashamed to say it. Even though I have no desire to have the husband I had, back, I do miss having someone to love. There is no replacement for it.

I do all I can to be positive, but I have caught myself getting weepy and feeling as though I am not getting my needs met. My husband met some of my needs, no matter how small. Now, there is nothing and no one.

I know time heals all wounds and that it truly is just a matter of time, yet I still feel as though I've gone without for long enough. I want someone who is truly for me.

I am not afraid, or ashamed to love.

Always Got Something to Say

"When you were with him, people had something to say. Now that you're not, they still have something to say," said my daughter after I told her there are those who feel I should not have let Jerome go.

People are going to always have something to say no matter what. I know I am doing the right thing and that is all that matters. I am doing my best to live within God's will. I know God meant for my suffering to end when it came to my marriage.

I know I am not to continue to be mistreated because my husband is not mature enough to accept the lifestyle he was offered. The one he claimed he wanted. He wanted it when it benefited him. If he had to give, he wasn't interested.

People can say what they want. I'm living this life.

Glory Be To God

Ultimately, my desire was to keep my family together, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it. Today, I found out my son will be taking my husband to the hospital to have surgery and that he is going to help him get to wherever he lives.

I was so happy and proud. I am still getting what I wanted, whether my family is together or not. I wanted my husband and son to rebuild their relationship and it looks like the separation is what was needed to make that happen.

God knows what is on my heart and because of that I am continuously blessed. He is getting the glory still and that is what is most important.

Such Clarity

When I was going through the trials and tribulations over the last 26 years, I fought against believing it was meant for me to be in the circumstances I found myself in. It has only been within the last seven years that I have fully accepted God's will for my life. By doing so I was freed from the misguided beliefs and ignorance that kept me bound to the devil for so many years.

When you become enlightened, you can no longer act like, live like, or pretend like, you don't know better. As I really began to live within God's will, I recognized my resistance to many things waned. I became more willing to allow others to be who they are. I began to accept my limited role in the lives of others, and take more stock in the role I needed to play in my own life.

Now, today? I awake with such clarity. I feel as though I could do anything, but at the same time is content to do noting at all. I've always been pretty even, but now I feel a true sense of moderation. I have no desire to over do anything. I just want to be the best person I can and remain as clear in mind, as I am today.

Why I Feel So Good About Myself

The reason I feel so good about myself is I was actually obedient to God and He held me up throughout a situation that could have taken me down mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead, in the end, I feel victorious, even though my relationship with my husband did not survive.

God touched me and guided me towards forgiveness when I was on a path towards self-destruction. I was hate-filled, angry and disappointed. I desperately did not want to be a bitter person so I continuously prayed for God's intervention. Not believing in divorce, I had filed and it was torture because I knew God had more for me to do. My worldly thoughts kept me wanting to give up, but God's will was more appealing in the end.

I began a quest to live a life pleasing to God and I knew I had to put forth effort to reconcile and redeem myself with myself husband. Although he noticed the changes I had made, he was so evil he couldn't appreciate the full value of them. He still responded with old behaviors, even though I no longer did.

I feel good about myself because even with those around me thinking I was crazy and telling me what they wouldn't put up with, or asking me why I hadn't left my husband, I held fast to the belief that God had a purpose for it all, and all I had to do was pay attention and allow His will to unfold. I was able to do and now that it is all over, I am free and even happier than I ever thought I'd be.

I won't lie, I miss my husband. I miss taking care of him, loving him, and just having him around. Still, I know how things are, are how they are meant to be and I am content.

I feel good about myself because I am the woman I knew I would be.

Running Away

There are people who have been married a long time who are feeling things are not the same. I would challenge them to examine their reasons for wanting to identify with what is wrong in the relationship.

Throughout our relationship my husband would run away from conflict, whether he caused it or not. There was a time when I would run after him. The scene in the movie Baby Boy, where she follows him outside and down the stairs actually occurred in my relationship. We we enclosed and were the only one's present. I was yelling at him, trying to get him not to leave. I became angry and abusive. As he bolted down the stairs he said, "this is so childish."

It struck a cord and I didn't chase him again. To this day, he has never viewed his running away, in all its many forms, as childish. Once again he has successfully sabotaged a good thing.

We must have be vigilant when it comes to our marriages. We keep wanting to give up instead of standing up to ourselves and our mates. We often participant in childish behavior, but expect our spouses to grow up. We must continue to look at ourselves. Of this I am completely convinced. For me, the proof is in the pudding. I am completely satisfied to be just as I am.

I let him run away. It is in my nature to immediately forgive and I offered him forgiveness, but he refused it. He held fast to his mean-spirited mental breakdown. Once I got past the initial shock of it all, I was ready to party and plan to often.

People who run away from situations they have helped to create are cowards and false prophets. They proclaim to want to be, but cannot produce. They run away when they get tired of giving. Giving should be its own reward. Keep on running!

I'm Ready

Today is the day I give up all the little bits of food that are keeping me 50 pounds heavier than I need to be. I went to the doctor on Friday and she told me I was presently eating 1840 calories a day. I was ecstatic. It was my goal to get down to 2000 a day. Now that I have surpassed that goal with barely trying, I am ready to rid myself of 400 more calories a day, so that I may shed 50 pounds.

I had decided to try to get to 2000 a year ago. I don't know when I reached, and surpassed the goal, but I do know I look and feel better than I have in a long time. I no longer dread monitoring myself. As a matter of fact, because I do; I have more confidence in myself because I am not letting myself down. I am actually living the life I want.

Moderation is the key and I'm ready to take it to the next level. It is important that I reach this goal. One reason is I'll be 50 years old and I don't want to be over 200 pounds at fifty. I want this age to mark a true new beginning for me.

I was initially going to go an all liquid diet, but when I found out I was down to 1840 calories a day, I realized I can lose the weight without taking drastic measures. I am excited about the journey. It won't be hard because the stuff I'm eating, I don't need. Little treats and extra bites. Once they are gone, so will the extra weight.

Moderation is the key and I'm ready to live a moderate life from now on.