More and More

I am adapting to being by myself very well. I no longer feel like I missing someone. Glad that feeling didn't last long. I am so ready to do something else. Life is opening up just fine. I feel confident I am on the right path.

I don't think I'll ever live with another man. It is just too hard. They are so different from us (females). I have learned that what bothers me most about them, is their maleness and they can't help being male, no more than I can being female. The only solution is for me to keep my distance.

Even though I am a lover, I don't have to have my lover under the covers with me every night. I like sleeping alone. I like not having to consider someone else when I want to turn over or move a lot. I can do me.

I am so grateful for the experience my marriage has given me, but most of all the self-awareness and self-knowledge has been most beneficial. I won't make the same mistakes with other men that I did with my husband because more and more I am coming into my own appreciating and valuing myself.

Why Patience is A Virtue

Being naturally patient, I sometimes laugh at people who are in a hurry to go nowhere. You know the ones who will pass you on the road, only to get to the light and it turns red. They may be in front, but they still have to wait.

Waiting? Waiting seems to be a bad thing for most people. They want what they want and they want it now. Me, on the other hand, has always been willing to wait for what is meant for me and to achieve the goals, dreams, and desires I have for my life.

Waiting has gotten me much more than being impatient ever has. Patience is a virtue because it tempers the soul and humbles the ego. Waiting builds character. A person who can wait understands it is not all about them. They recognize there are other factors and are willing to allow them to unfold.

Impatience breeds disappointment because most times much of the important stuff is left out in haste. Being patient allow you to think and decide. Impatience usually precedes impulsiveness, which leads to disappointment.

Patience allows us to grow closer to God, especially if we are seeking His while waiting for an outcome.

In God's Time

I am so glad God is in control. I am even more happier about the fact I am a naturally patient and long-suffering person. Being this way, and walking by faith has allowed me to realize all my dreams and goals.

I am making some huge changes in my life and doors are opening up daily. I am open to whatever God has in store for me and it looks like it is going to be the entertainment field. It keeps calling me. Although I do sing, act, and dance, it is not my passion. Helping others achieve their goals is truly my passion. So, I see myself headed towards promotions and advertising.

I have recently got on board with a local entertainment company and it feels good. I know it is right and I am going to give it my all. Things are opening up and I am ready.

Thank you God! Thank you for keeping me, guiding me and saving me.

Space

Both my husband and myself are loners. Neither one of us especially need the company of another on a consistent basis. Before I met him, I can truly say I was on my way to becoming a hermit. I very seldom did anything. Meeting him changed that.

What we gave each other turns out to be the best gift either one of us could have ever given. Space! I've never truly been the clingy type. In the beginning of our relationship, I wanted him around more because it (romance) was all so new to me. After about three years of dating, I began to have a more realistic look at the relationship. I figured out I wanted to be with him. I was unwilling to do so unmarried.

We married after living together for 3 1/2 years. Looking back we both knew we would be on this journey for a long time and we have. Now that are separated, we both have taken to having our own space like a duck does to water. When it first happened, because of the way things went down, I was so glad he was gone. After about a month, I began dealing with the aftershock and I began to miss the fact I had no one to share my time and love with. I had lost my companion.

Now, almost three months later, I'm thankful to God for everything that has happened. It has allowed me to look at my marriage in a new way. We don't have to live together. We still have bills we share and children and we handle what needs to be handled. What we don't have is the face time, which doesn't bother me at all. His spirit is too jacked up and he is unwilling to change, so I am unwilling to live with him unchanged.

I am glad to have my space. I have even more room to dance.

Good Boundaries

I have excellent boundaries and I have come to realize people are very intimidated by me because of it. I recently talked to someone I only met a few weeks ago. It was a very brief meeting, no words exchanged at all.

Last night I was talking this person at length and she ended the conversation by stating, "I am so glad I talked to you. I thought you were mean."

I have heard it a million times, but honest to God, I responded like it was the first time because I literally had said nothing at all to this person. When I asked her why she thought that, she said other co-workers had said some things. She had bought into whatever was being said without checking for herself. It was only happenstance that we had the conversation.

I told her my theory about people who perceive me as "mean." Men say it alot and I tell them immediately, "I'm not your momma." I told her that I believe people who say that about me are people who are looking at me through a child's eye. Most adults recognize I am a confident, strong, capable woman and I carry myself as such. I'm not a big hugger, or a person to pour syrup all over others to be accepted.

I have great boundaries and I refuse to change a thing. I'm glad some people view me that way. Those are the ones I don't have to be bothered with. Yet, it is sort of disheartening to go have people label me negatively just based on looks. I don't have to say a word. I am very serious, but that does not mean, I am mean. As a matter of fact, I really don't have the capacity to be "really mean." It is not in my makeup.

I ain't trying to win no popularity contest and it is a good thing, because obviously, I won't.

Understanding Myself

I didn't get to know myself until I turned 35. Between now and then I have spent a lot of time in self-analysis. I went through 18 months of therapy and during that time I learned about myself, what I see in so many others; we cannot control anything, or anyone outside of ourselves.

Most conflict is started based on people's desire to tell others what they can and cannot do. Yes, we all have to follow rules and regulations, no one is a free agent. I am talking about people who try to manipulate the choices of individuals. I call them soul snatchers. These people will go to great length to shape the life of another, while simultaneously fucking up their own.
There is no way to live two lives.

Now that I have gotten really in touch with myself, I notice I seldom think about what other people think. I have really come to appreciate my own thinking and I respect myself greatly. Facebook has given me the opportunity to talk to people I knew years ago, especially old male friends who dumped me for whatever reason. I have experienced flattering input from several people. The growing theme has been that people felt I was genuine and loving. I feel blessed to have left such a legacy, thus far.

I will continue to do what I must to understand me. Now that I have accepted my marriage will no longer go in the direction I had hoped, I must learn to allow myself to be open to meeting other men. The greatest thing about this is I truly am not bitter. Although very disappointed, God has helped me understand how he uses people and that I should feel honored, instead of defeated, for I have taken the greatest risk of all, I lived within God's will.

Now, I have the opportunity to live a completely different life and I plan to do just that. I am moving towards the greatness that has laid dormant for far too long. It is so my time to shine, to love, to take, to give. I fully understand.

I'm Not the Same Girl

One of the biggest hassles in marriage is when one spouse out matures the other. It is a tragedy in so many ways. That is what has happened in our marriage. I was always more mature than my husband. My emotional development was lacking in many areas when I met him. Being the con artist he is, he was able to pick up on my insecurities and use them to his advantage for a long time.

By the time I was in my mid-30's, I had cleared up a lot of my issues, but he was still the same. Now, at almost 50, I am no where near the same girl I used to be. I am not the one for the bullshit and games; and I will not tolerate anything less than what I want at this point in my life.

Although I still love my husband dearly, I am not the same girl. My needs are completely different and my husband cannot meet them. God has freed me from the day-to-day grind of dealing with him. On one hand I can tell he likes not having to be around me, but on the other hand, it is killing him knowing I still love him, but do not want to have anything to do with him. He would much rather I be mad and angry.

In reality, I never really was her. She was who I was until I could get to who I am. I am not the same girl.