"I'm proud of you mom. You deserve better. You always deserved better."
This is what my son said to me after I asked him how he felt about how I handled his father's decision to remove me from his life. For years he struggled with our relationship. Like most kids who felt their father was not treating their mother right, my son suffered with thinking I was wrong, crazy, a fool, for staying with his dad.
"Since you explained to me that you needed to see the relationship to the end because you knew you would be a better person for it, I fully understood where you were coming from. You were right. You are a better person for going through it to the end. Now you're free."
"If I were upset and crying about him being gone; you would probably feel differently."
The loss of my marriage has been a relief. My son mentioned how the air in the house seemed lighter since the "evil" presence is gone. It is true. My husband has such a mean spirit that it radiates at times and turns everyone in the house off. He was just so miserable with himself. His health issues exposed the true underbelly and not even he could face himself in the end. I was a reflection of all he will never be and I had to go. The constant pressure to be a better person was too much for him.
"Mom, he could have come up with you. He had 26 years to do the right thing."
My Sonny is right. He made his choices and now he has to live with them.
"He needs to be alone. He needs time to think." My Sonny said.
"Sonny, you won't need that kind of time. You know how to love."
My boy has learned a lot. He said he is so glad things went like they did. He is grateful for the education.
"I was wrong in a lot of ways. I put you on too high of a pedestal, but it wasn't hard to make you into an angel when I had such a great representation of the complete opposite."
I always told my kids, you can learn from a bad example just as well a good one. I could have run from man to man as many women do, but I chose to ride this one to the end and I did.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chronically Ill-13
Lucky 13! This is my last post, for now, regarding my husbands health. I have no idea where he stands as of July 5th, but on that date he had a bleed ulcer on his third toe on his right leg. It will eventually have to be removed. His blood pressure is still a deep issue and he is now taking dialysis.
I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.
I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.
I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.
I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.
I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.
I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.
Getting Excited!
I feel an unrest I haven't felt in years. I know something wonderful is about to happen and I am so ready. These last three years have been extremely difficult. It has been apparent my husband was not going to forgive me, as I had done for him. The more I put effort towards reconciliation, he'd do something stupid to mess it up.
I did very well overlooking, ignoring and understanding why he was the way he was. I prayed constantly for God to give me the strength to bear the burden and I did. I did it and I did it well. At times I felt as though my husband was doing things just to see if I would quit. He wanted to see me sweat, but he didn't get the pleasure. I was and am cool.
I did what I did in my marriage so God would get the glory. I wanted to prove that God could work through someone like me, independent, opinionated, and headstrong. God softened my heart, helped me learn to utilize my forgiveness button and gave me the peace I needed to follow through with His will.
My husband was jealous of me. He was upset because he couldn't upset me. He couldn't believe I learned to pick my battles, agree to disagree and love him anyway. He couldn't fathom me not leaving him when I found out he had a girlfriend. He couldn't imagine me taking care of him with the care I did when he was most ill. He would often compliment me on how I handled some of the most difficult bullshit I'll ever deal with in my life.
I'm getting excited because I truly thought I'd be responsible for my husband's well-being for the rest of my life. God freed me and not a moment too soon. Many would say I gave my husband the best years of my life. They just don't know. I have yet to experience the best years. All the years up until now have been earning points for the glorious life just ahead. I am so excited and I just can't hide it.
I did very well overlooking, ignoring and understanding why he was the way he was. I prayed constantly for God to give me the strength to bear the burden and I did. I did it and I did it well. At times I felt as though my husband was doing things just to see if I would quit. He wanted to see me sweat, but he didn't get the pleasure. I was and am cool.
I did what I did in my marriage so God would get the glory. I wanted to prove that God could work through someone like me, independent, opinionated, and headstrong. God softened my heart, helped me learn to utilize my forgiveness button and gave me the peace I needed to follow through with His will.
My husband was jealous of me. He was upset because he couldn't upset me. He couldn't believe I learned to pick my battles, agree to disagree and love him anyway. He couldn't fathom me not leaving him when I found out he had a girlfriend. He couldn't imagine me taking care of him with the care I did when he was most ill. He would often compliment me on how I handled some of the most difficult bullshit I'll ever deal with in my life.
I'm getting excited because I truly thought I'd be responsible for my husband's well-being for the rest of my life. God freed me and not a moment too soon. Many would say I gave my husband the best years of my life. They just don't know. I have yet to experience the best years. All the years up until now have been earning points for the glorious life just ahead. I am so excited and I just can't hide it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Well Done!
Well done! That's what I do believe God will say to me at the end of my days. Over the last seven years I have spent day and night doing my best to be pleasing to God. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I was ready to walk away. God had other plans and I heeded His will.
Even though I had expected my efforts to be met with more appreciation, it is knowing that I followed the path God choose for me that is most rewarding. My marriage went down for the third time last week, and did not survive. I did, he did, but it didn't.
The greatest feeling is that of relief. When I thought I was done before, there was always an ache, a longing that tugged at me letting me know it wasn't over. This time, my head is clear. My heart is light and I feel better than I could have ever dreamed of. I know I did what I was supposed to do in my marriage. I showed my husband what resilience, patience, honesty, loyalty, steadfastness, diligence, perseverance, and love of God looks like.
I modeled for him what it means to be a friend, a companion, and a wife. I gave him every opportunity to be the man he promised me he would be. I forgave, said I was sorry, and showed my true feelings. Now, that it is over, I know I've done what I was meant to do.
What I've learned and gotten out of my marriage is immeasurable. I am so much stronger, so much better, and believe in miracles so much deeper. I harbor no ill feelings towards my husband. He only did what he knows best to do and that is to sabotage anything that may actually be good for him. He wasn't ready 26 years ago and he still isn't. I accept it fully and walk away gladly, knowing I will be the better for it.
Even though I had expected my efforts to be met with more appreciation, it is knowing that I followed the path God choose for me that is most rewarding. My marriage went down for the third time last week, and did not survive. I did, he did, but it didn't.
The greatest feeling is that of relief. When I thought I was done before, there was always an ache, a longing that tugged at me letting me know it wasn't over. This time, my head is clear. My heart is light and I feel better than I could have ever dreamed of. I know I did what I was supposed to do in my marriage. I showed my husband what resilience, patience, honesty, loyalty, steadfastness, diligence, perseverance, and love of God looks like.
I modeled for him what it means to be a friend, a companion, and a wife. I gave him every opportunity to be the man he promised me he would be. I forgave, said I was sorry, and showed my true feelings. Now, that it is over, I know I've done what I was meant to do.
What I've learned and gotten out of my marriage is immeasurable. I am so much stronger, so much better, and believe in miracles so much deeper. I harbor no ill feelings towards my husband. He only did what he knows best to do and that is to sabotage anything that may actually be good for him. He wasn't ready 26 years ago and he still isn't. I accept it fully and walk away gladly, knowing I will be the better for it.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
WOW!
If you look at my last post, you will see I was asking for something new and I got it. I have been freed from a burden that was never mine, but because I made a commitment, I was willing to live with it.
God freed me the very next day and now I am well on my way to something new, no matter what it may be.
I feel so blessed. I stayed the course and did what I truly believed God's will was and because of that, I am at peace, even though things didn't turn out the way I would have liked, or even thought they would. I the most I thought my marriage would get better and we'd stay together until one of us died. At the least I thought we'd suffer through, and maintain.
Instead, I was released for all responsibility and freed to go on to something new.
Be on the look out for the full in my upcoming book, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Abigail and Na'bal The Cost of Forgiveness.
God freed me the very next day and now I am well on my way to something new, no matter what it may be.
I feel so blessed. I stayed the course and did what I truly believed God's will was and because of that, I am at peace, even though things didn't turn out the way I would have liked, or even thought they would. I the most I thought my marriage would get better and we'd stay together until one of us died. At the least I thought we'd suffer through, and maintain.
Instead, I was released for all responsibility and freed to go on to something new.
Be on the look out for the full in my upcoming book, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Abigail and Na'bal The Cost of Forgiveness.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Something New
I want something new. I want to do something I haven't done before. I want to move out of Louisville and start over somewhere else. I am ready to go!
Chronically Ill-12
We found out over the weekend that my husband has a tumor on his heart. Although it is not cancerous, it is lethal and will have to be removed.
For the first time, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And then there is a part of me that is very angry. When I think about how much I tried to get my husband to live a more healthy lifestyle, I just want to slap him.
To know that most of this could have been avoided had he simply exercised and changed his diet is almost too much to bear. Yet, I can't imagine not being there for him when he needs me. I lost my cool and yelled at him during this last episode. I felt embarrassed, but I also understood my own frustrations. He won't let people help him when he needs help the most.
When he is in the hospital he's always trying to do what the nurses should be doing. But when he is feeling fine, he'll ask you to do something for him in a heartbeat. He is so fake. His ego is the only thing that is keeping him alive. He wants to give up so bad he doesn't know what to do. I feel like I should let him. I'm not helping him and he's not helping himself.
For the first time, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And then there is a part of me that is very angry. When I think about how much I tried to get my husband to live a more healthy lifestyle, I just want to slap him.
To know that most of this could have been avoided had he simply exercised and changed his diet is almost too much to bear. Yet, I can't imagine not being there for him when he needs me. I lost my cool and yelled at him during this last episode. I felt embarrassed, but I also understood my own frustrations. He won't let people help him when he needs help the most.
When he is in the hospital he's always trying to do what the nurses should be doing. But when he is feeling fine, he'll ask you to do something for him in a heartbeat. He is so fake. His ego is the only thing that is keeping him alive. He wants to give up so bad he doesn't know what to do. I feel like I should let him. I'm not helping him and he's not helping himself.
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