Monday, July 4, 2011

Chronically Ill-12

We found out over the weekend that my husband has a tumor on his heart. Although it is not cancerous, it is lethal and will have to be removed.

For the first time, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And then there is a part of me that is very angry. When I think about how much I tried to get my husband to live a more healthy lifestyle, I just want to slap him.

To know that most of this could have been avoided had he simply exercised and changed his diet is almost too much to bear. Yet, I can't imagine not being there for him when he needs me. I lost my cool and yelled at him during this last episode. I felt embarrassed, but I also understood my own frustrations. He won't let people help him when he needs help the most.

When he is in the hospital he's always trying to do what the nurses should be doing. But when he is feeling fine, he'll ask you to do something for him in a heartbeat. He is so fake. His ego is the only thing that is keeping him alive. He wants to give up so bad he doesn't know what to do. I feel like I should let him. I'm not helping him and he's not helping himself.

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