Monday, June 27, 2011

Chronically Ill-11

I lost my cool yesterday. I yelled at him because he continuously tried to do things for himself, when he could barely hold his head up. He kept getting up going towards the door and literally falling to the floor each time.

The last time I caught him by the arm and asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted water. "Why don't you ask for what you want. Why are you trying to do stuff for yourself when you can't." I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was furious, but I hadn't recognized it.

"Stop yelling at me," he yelled as long as he could before losing breath, then said, "Fuck you," in a muffled tone.

He just has to fight and I know that is the only thing that is keeping him alive. His natural inclination to go against everything. But he can fight all he wants, his kidneys are gone. He has thrown up for at least four days. He looks and feels so frail.

I've never heard him openly call on God for help as much. The suffering really must be great. He consistently refused to go to the hospital. When I yelled at him I told him, "I'm not a nurse. Go to the hospital. The nurses won't yell at you."

He can't see himself. He doesn't want to change, yet he needs people. He is completely vulnerable right now. I really feel sorry for him. I really do.

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