Sunday, June 26, 2011

I Did It for Love

My husband and I have been married 22 years as of this Saturday. We are at a maintaining stage. The dynamics are interesting. We were talking and he mentioned the fact we don't talk to each other much. I reminded him about how he was when we first got together. He would cut me off if I tried to have general conversation with him. He didn't want to hear it, if it wasn't directly related to us. Then, there was the factor that he was never around. I learned to write in my journal or whatever to get things off my mind.

Surprisingly, he couldn't say a word. He has been harping on our lack of communication for over 10 years. I used to become defense because I had not recognized the reason it occurred. I personally am not a big talker in very intimate relationships. I like the feeling of us both doing what we want, but are content knowing the other is around.

As much as I love to talk, I don't have to do it. I stopped trying to figure him out and just let him tell me who he was through his actions. He has shown me well. Now that he is so ill, I rarely think about anything "he has done to me." What he is doing to himself is incredible. It is amazing how a person came be so willing to give up their lives just because it would be hard to reclaim it.

Yes, he is at death's door. You can literally see it in his eyes. The dog never leaves his side. All the signs are there. Yet, somehow, he finds the strength to be mean spirited, misguided, and in denial. He is still playing with the devil. Allowing himself to be used in the worse way, against the people who care the most. But, ain't that just typical of us humans? We spend so much time trying to find a way to get back, put down, dismiss a person. We get caught up in being right, or knowing better for others, until we lose sight of our only truly command and that is to love others as you love yourself.

So, here we are at the 22ND year mark. I spent the day with my 14 year old who completed a six month community workshop called Reclaiming our Youth. She attended every event and was rewarded with The Most Positive Attitude Award. She is a delightful person. I've done all I could to allow her to maintain her sweetness and kindness. Her dad has too. He loves on her, when he's not nagging her. I can only pray there is a balance there somewhere.

He has been sick for the last three days. He didn't go to the event. I am sure this upset her, but she did not let on. I went in tremendous back pain. My arthritis is kicking up again. I can barely function. I need to go to the doctor.

All-in-all, our anniversary turned out to be just another "business as usual," day. We did spend intimate time at the turn of the morning, and I said, "Happy Anniversary," and he said, "Likewise." If you are asking yourself, "why does she stay?" The answer is I did it for love.

No comments:

Post a Comment