Monday, December 13, 2010

Stand by Your Man

"I ain't some Tammy Wynette standing by my man," these were words spoken by Hillary Clinton when it came out about Bill having a 12 year affair with Jennifer Flowers. What many people missed was the truth of that statement. Hillary was not just "standing by her man," she was in full support of him and he her. Theirs was a greater dream than any of us could ever know. They had vowed in college to change the world and she wasn't giving up her position as wife, especially not after getting him to the White House.

She supported his efforts because she knew he could be president. He knew she could too, so he did the same. So many couple lose sight of what really matters and this is why marriage is getting such a bad rap. Everybody is looking for someone to take care of them, instead of coming from a place of generosity and love, we come with our hands held out and high expectations.

We are so afraid to suffer, to do without, to make do with what we have. Our desires keep us hustling for all the wrong reasons and the wrong things. There was a woman who posted on Facebook that she knew a man who was looking for a wife. He said the wife would have to be willing to allow him to pursue his dream of owning his own business. He also has children from a previous marriage who has to pay child support for. The woman was protesting stating she didn't feel his future wife should be saddled with his child support while he pursues his dream.

In the natural, it may sound right that she is unwilling to help support him and his obligations while he is transitioning from making someone else to rich, to trying to accumulate his own fortune, but I submit it is not right. Money should not be an issue in a marriage. Yes, there are very real concerns, bills to pay, etc. but there will always be these factors, but what is rare is having the loving support of someone who wants only the best for you. It is rare to have a person want you to succeed to the point where they will make sacrifices of time and money.

Until we understand that marriage is about saying, "Hey, I am in agreement with you and your dreams, goals, and aspirations. I want the best for you and I want to help bring the best out of you. I am here to support your efforts." This needs to be said before you immediately start telling the spouse what you are not going to do. The spouse needs to know that you heard them, and not what is going through your head. (Who is going to pay the bills? etc.)

My husband has allowed me to have the life I dreamed of. I own my company, I act, I perform, I volunteer, I give to charity, etc. Yes, he has had to support some of my efforts whether by staying with the kids, not doing something he wanted, or monetarily. He has never tried to consciously hold me back and the times he did, I understood where he was coming from. His ambition level is not as great as mine, and that can sometimes wear on a man, yet through it all, he has remained my number one cheerleader and will follow me to the end of the earth, because we got it like that.

By the same token, I have sacrificed a lot to let him be the man he thought he was and wanted to be. As he has turned 50, a lot has changed, but he is most grateful that he stayed with me. I asked him what was the greatest thing about spending time with me. He said, "I can be myself around you." I have successfully made him feel secure enough to be himself, share his fears, hopes and dreams, and to love me.

Stand by your man!

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