Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Unevenly Yoked

It was never a doubt in my mind my husband and I were unevenly yoked on many levels. It never truly made any difference to me as a whole, but sometimes during the day-to-day living it can really be a drag.

I am more everything than he: stable, educated, financially fit, capable of growing and expanding. He has always let this reality play heavily on his psyche. He has spent so much energy trying to bring me down to his level. Whenever we argue it is like arguing with PeeWee Herman, "I know I am, but what are you." His use of projection is so tired until it is laughable. It is his only defense, his only response. The only way he can make himself feel better is to make himself believe because I love him, I am like him.

Other people feel that way too. But we all know opposites attract and I cannot be more opposite than he. His revelation about being "grown" has only served to widen the gap that already existed between us. I find myself less tolerant than I was when I really didn't know what his problem truly was. Now that I know it is pure immaturity, I have zero tolerance, so we have begun to banter more because I refuse to allow him to think his childish behavior is being ignored.

It is a huge turn off, to say the least. His unbalanced way of dealing with everything is tiring and trying. The fact he is very ill only magnifies his raunchy personality and everyone is catching hell. He told me that I treat people like they don't know anything. That I am always trying to be in control. All the childish expressions he has held to since we met, he is still struggling with the reality that he is looking at me through the eyes of a child.

If he gets the chance to grow and change, I pray he will get to see me as the strong, capable, willing woman that I am. I refuse to let him make me pay for loving him. It is not my fault he cannot accept I see way more in him than he could possibly imagine. Instead of appreciating it, he hates me for it. This too is a personal problem. He has to deal with his petty jealousy and misplaced anger. I know I am doing the right thing in accordance with the plans God has for my life.

I only wish him well and I want to be here for him. I only want to love him. I don't want to be his mother, or controller. He can't see that because he is afraid to grow up.

No comments:

Post a Comment