When I was a kid in the early 70's, there was a song by Kellee Patterson called, If It Don't Fit,
the chorus said:
If it don't fit, don't force it
just relax and let it go
just cause that's how you want it
doesn't mean it will be so
Even though I believe I am in a God ordained marriage, I still am faced with the many ways the marriage does not fit me. There are a lot of things I want out of my marriage that I will never get. Having to accept that has been hard over the years, but lately I have come to terms with the reality that my marriage is so much more about the future than anything else.
My husband and I, as jacked up as we are, have been able to rear two marvelous children. We've managed to remain cordial and for the most part respectful of each other, even though we both know, we probably could have lived just as well are better with another partner. What amazes us is that we have been able to stay together no matter what has come against us.
I have a clear understanding of what is causing him to have the heart attacks and it is his blood pressure and the fact he does not take his medicine. As I sat there and listened to the doctors, I realized how much control he really does have and that he is unwilling to do what can keep him alive and healthy. This has made me want to leave him.
He is a quitter and quitters never when. I am winner. All day long, I ain't gon lie. I would never give up on me. But I may have to give up on him. He has begun his usual pattern of blaming me, being mean, and disregarding my feelings. He does this when he thinks he should take center stage, but like I've told him before, he created this mess. Had he listened to me at any other the times I've tried to get him to take care of himself, we would not be here.
I will sit back and watch to see if he will begin taking his medicine. I really don't think he will. I truly think he will continue to do what he hasn't been doing that has gotten him to this place.
Non-Resistance, this is the way. I will not resist his desire to kill himself. My running his life does not fit into the lifestyle I choose to lead. I will not force my way onto him. I will let live his, or not live, his life.