Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ready If I Don't Get to Go

I was ready for the day my husband would do something to push me out of his life. Although I was surprised at how it ended, I wasn't surprised it ended.

I commend him for staying as long as he did and doing as much as he tried to do. He thought he really wanted to be a family man but he was not made out for it. His level of selfishness is too high and his willingness to be a better person is too low. He just couldn't make the cut.

I was committed to the marriage and as long as he was willing to go through the motions, I was too because we both were growing as individuals.

What I didn't do was stop being who I was. I didn't stop living my life. I didn't lose me in the process of being married to him. Even though I was completely involved, I was detached in all the right ways. Now that it is over, the pain that is usually associated with loss is lessened by the reality that I loved him unconditionally, as much as I am humanly possible of and I don't regret a moment of it, but I am glad it is over.

He didn't have what it takes to be civil and decent. He is so institutionalized until he can barely relate on a level that would allow others to really reach him. Although I do believe I touched him him many ways, his abandonment issues would not allow him to let himself be loved. He had to push it away. His illness and my response to it made him feel unworthy of my care taking. He couldn't believe I was not the vindictive, revengeful woman he had painted me out to be.

My loving ways scared him more than if I had been mean and resentful of him. He couldn't handle to constant willingness to forgive and love anyway. It was all too much, so he pushed me away.

The good thing about it all is I'm ready if I don't get to go. I'm prepared for a better life, more opportunities to love and the peace of mind to do so. You don't have to lose you when you lose the one you love.

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