What makes this time so different than all the other times he has pushed me away? I want to be away. I want to move on with my life and allow him the freedom of not being held to such a high standard by being with me. The way I live my life is too normal for him. He comes from drama and thrives on it.
I'm not a drama queen. Although very dramatic and passionate, I hate chaos and strive for calm and unity in my home. My husband is a peacefaker, and can be a peacebreaker if he is on a selfish jag, which is usually all the time.
This time, at almost 50, I can see my life without him. The other times I couldn't. I knew there was more to learn, more to do and I did it these last seven years. I worked hard on being the best wife and companion. We had made progress in many areas. We didn't argue and was able to spend huge amounts of time with each without incident. We laughed and made love more. We actually spent time holding each other and learning to just be.
It was not enough. It would have never been enough for him. He does not love himself. A few weeks before the end, he would just randomly tell me how he didn't deserve me and that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive. All of it seemed like he was evaluating a way to walk.
This time, I'm going to move on and upward. This time is my time!