My heart is light, but blue. I'm losing the love of my life, right before my eyes. It is so hard for me to deal with the throwing up. It grates me to the core. The sound of him heaving rattles my bones and nearly triggers me to gag. Just last year there were times when he would get sick that I secretly felt vindicated for some of the things he has done to our marriage and himself.
Seeming him so frail and needy plays with my mind. Although I do not harbor resentment when it comes to my husband. After reading the book the Peacemaker, I have learned how the way I live naturally, is described in scripture.
Ever since I learned the Ten Commandments, and understood them, I made up my mind if I followed the first commandment, I would not have to worry about the other nine. I have lived with the intentions of being a good person and to do my best to leave people better than I found them. I not only learned the name for how I live peacemaker, I learned the term for what I call denial, is peace faker, which is my husband.
With him being a peace faker and me being a peacemaker, it is no wonder once I stopped reacting and began responding as I knew God would want me; he has been able to trust me more. Peace fakers fear conflict and rarely want to engage. They will ignore, deny, overlook for as long as it keeps folk silent. Their ability to overlook makes it easier for them to forgive if they are matched with a peacemaker whose desire is to do what is best for all involved.
Before I began seeking God's will and acting accordingly, and not the way I saw my mother, and her mother act in their marriages; my husband could not trust I would not harm him with my tongue. I gave that up and since he has been ill, I have been able to temper my tongue. This is a great accomplishment.